Day 9: A Little Victory

I had originally intended to be grateful for the alone time I had tonight; but, as I started writing it occurred to me that what I am actually grateful for is a little harder to articulate. 

Justin let me know yesterday that he had a work meeting tonight.  He wasn't sure what time he'd be getting home, but the meeting started at 3:30 and was taking place in a town about 30 minutes away from Milford.  I am grateful that I was able to take this piece of information and continue on with my night.  I even asked him what the meeting was for.  This might not seem like a big deal, but to me it's actually a really huge step.  Justin would most likely agree. In the past when Justin told me he had to work late, or made any change in what I thought was our schedule, I panicked.  This turned into anger, sadness, and just a general feeling of crappiness.  Most of the time I would go to bed or spend the rest of the day in this "funk."  I actually slept great last night.   

Today at work I thought fleetingly about Justin's meeting.  It didn't sit with me the way it normally would have - the impending hours I had to spend alone.  I actually thought about what I was going to do with my free time, and on my drive home I didn't burst into tears or call Justin a million times just to make sure he really had to go to his meeting.  I actually didn't call him at all tonight.  I waited patiently for him to call me when he was on his way home.  I am grateful for getting through the anticipatory anxiety of being home alone.    

When I got home from work tonight I didn't do anything special.  I fed the dog , had some left-over Chinese Food, watched a Dance Moms special on demand, and colored.  Justin called to let me know he was on his way home, so I decided to start writing. That way when he got home we could hang out (and by hang out I mean watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy).  I am grateful for the things I did not do tonight.  I did not come home and get upset with the dog for no reason.  I did not go upstairs and sulk because Justin wasn't home and hadn't called me.  I did not let myself get wrapped up in the "blah."     

If, for some crazy reason, my life became a reality TV show, tonight would have been a night they edited out.  Nothing special.  Nothing of interest.  To me that's what makes it a night to be grateful for.  Having a change in my schedule was something that used to shake me.  I had a difficult time with unexpected twists, even little ones like waking up late and not getting done what needed to be done on a weekend.  Being alone was something I was always scared of, and did my best to avoid.  Probably because when I was alone I did a lot of thinking, and when you're in a loosing battle with anxiety and depression, thinking is the last thing you want to do.  Tonight I won a little battle.  

I know that I will continue to have ups and downs.  There will be days I still get flustered by an unexpected event, and there will be times I cry because I have to be by myself.  I also know that as I continue to gain strength and learn the tools I need to fight this war, I will have fewer and fewer days full of anxiety and sadness.  I will have more days like today.  

I am grateful that I can call the past 24 hours a victory.