Day 31: Everyone Deserves A Lifetime

Tonight I am going to a 31 Bags and Gifts party at my friend Adrienne's house.  She has walked in the Susan G. Koman 3-Day for the past few years, and this year she will be walking in Philly.  The party tonight is one of her fundraisers. 25% of the sales will go directly to her fundraising efforts.  My family, along with too many others around the world, has been effected by Breast Cancer.  I am proud to say that my cousin is a Breast Cancer Survivor. 

  

I am incredibly grateful to have a chance to support an amazing cause, and an amazing friend.  

PS. If anyone wants to support Adrienne's walk check out the link below.  It's only open until the end of the day today, so please take a look!!

http://www.mythirtyone.com/shop/catalog.aspx?eventId=E4161098&from=DIRECTLINK

Day 30: How I Survive My Job

I've mentioned before that I work in early intervention.  I have also explained a bit about what that job entails, so I won't go into details again.  What I often do not talk about are the harder aspects of my job.  I go into people's homes to work with children, babies really, and some of the things I encounter are heartbreaking.  It doesn't surprise most people to find out the burn-out rate in my line of work is fairly high.  

Today I went for a visit that made my heart heavy.  It wasn't the worst thing I've seen, but it still made me sad.  The little boy is only 1/2 way through his first year of life, and his Mom is due to add a brother or sister this fall.  The first thing that hit me when I walked in the door was the smell.  It's hard to describe unless you've smelt it before, but I know what dirty smells like, and it's horrible.  The floors were filthy and the stack of dishes in the sink reeked of mold.  The baby was playing on the floor (on a blanket the other therapist brought with her) and he was screeching away; happily unaware of his surroundings.  I spent time talking with his Mom about resources and making good decisions for her whole family.  I was happy to see that the little boy looked clean and was making some nice progress.  Mom looked good too, and she was certainly trying hard to do the very best she could.   

I went back to the office and talked with my program director.  We had to do something because the living conditions were just not okay.  I understand that parents often have a million things to do and never enough time to get them done, but this was going way beyond that.  It broke my heart to share with my director all of my concerns, but I am responsible to do just that; it's the hardest part of my job.  She reminded me of how important it is for all of us in this field to act on our instincts, and to always rely on her for support.  She talked me through it and I felt better after leaving her office.

After that conversation I was off to evaluate a child who had recently been referred to our program.  The referral was made by the child's pediatrician for general developmental concerns.  My co-workers and I were not in the house 10 minutes before we knew something was going on with this little guy.  He qualified for services and I had to explain to his Mom that further testing may be a good next step.  She took the news well, but I've learned over the many years of relaying this information what it looks like to hide fear and sadness behind a smile.  I reassured her that we would be coming out to work with her son, that he had a lot of great strengths, and everyone would be supporting her whole family.  

I left that evaluation feeling drained, especially having it been directly after an emotionally charged home visit.  At our cars, my co-workers and I started talking about our weekend plans.  We laughed about what we were planning and joked about having a few extra drinks after a crazy week.  I ended up smiling as I started driving home.

When I got home tonight I was trying hard not to think about my day.  I've struggled over the years with taking my job "home" too often.  Realistically I don't have a job that I can just close out when I walk in the backdoor, but I know I need to try and set better emotional boundaries.   A text from my director brought the events of the day to the forefront of my mind.  I texted a co-worker and briefly explained what had happened.  She quickly replied that I should rest assured I did everything right and if I needed her she "had my back."  

Today was an example of how I get through my job.  My job would not be what it is without my amazing co-workers.  I have so many people that I can call, text, or email and find comfort and solidarity.  These people know what it's like to leave a visit and want to cry; they know how it feels to see a child take his first steps or say his first words.  They are in the thick of things with me - through the ups and downs.  Without the amazing people I work with I don't know that I'd still be at my job today.  They have supported me, laughed with me, and "had my back" for the past few years.  Tonight I am grateful for my co-workers.  They are an amazing group of therapists who make a difference each day they go to work.  I am grateful for my friends at Criterion Middlesex Early Intervention.     

Day 29: Justin's Career

Tonight Justin and I had chinese food for dinner.  This wasn't just any chinese food, it was from Kowloons! Growing up in Saugus, just minutes from Route 1, Kowloons and Hilltop were the best places to go for dinner. 

Justin is a chef. He works with food daily and, luckily for me, he will occasionally bring home leftovers! Tonight he brought home Kowloons! So tasty, and a flashback to childhood.  I am grateful for Justin's career choice tonight, and most any night.  

Day 28: Commute Home

I usually have anywhere between a 20-55 minute drive home each day. I definitely am not complaining as I know people have much longer drives.  I actually like having the time at the end of each day to decompress.  There are days my job is emotionally draining and it's hard, if not impossible, to separate it out when I walk through my back door.  Today wasn't especially taxing, but as I was driving home I realized how much I appreciate the time I have to reflect on the day.  I am grateful for my commute home, regardless of how long or short it may be.  

Day 27: Chiropractor

I am grateful for my chiropractor, Dr. Austrager.  The fifteen minutes I spent in his office today were peaceful and therapeutic.  Since I began my visits my back and neck are much better, and I've rebounded from pain much faster. So grateful! 

Day 26: 195.98 Miles

According to MapQuest.com, Justin and I drove for a total of 4 hours and 23 minutes today. It was roughly 195.98 miles. Luckily the sky was clear and driving conditions were great, even at night.  Today's trip was from Milford, MA to Sturbridge, MA, then to a few different addresses in Westfield, MA, to Easthampton, MA, and finally back to Milford.  We met up with our friend, Kristen, in Sturbridge for brunch.  Friendly's has become our regular meeting place, and it is just about 1/2 way between both of our houses.  We left Sturbridge and headed to Westfield, MA.  We are trying to get more familiar with the different neighborhoods in a few towns/cities in Western, MA.  There were six houses on the market that we wanted to drive-by.  It was an interesting trip, and of course I found my dream house!  If only we were a few more months into the "house-selling/house-buying" process.  When we left Westfield we headed to Easthampton to spend the afternoon with the Browns.  (Happy Birthday Lena!!)  We left there around 6:30 and got home at about 8:00.  All around it was a good trip.

Road trips have always been part of my life.  When I was younger my Mom and I would jump in the car and just drive around to listen to music.  We never really had a destination, but we would find ourselves at the beach in Winthrop, or at a cousin's house in a neighboring town; sometimes we would just come back home.  When I got my license in high school, I was always looking for a place to go - the further away the better.  Anytime my friends and I were going someplace, I would usually be the one to drive (it helped that I was the only one with a car for awhile).  In college the same was true.  I didn't have my car as often, but when a roadtrip was planned it was my car that made the trip.  We drove to UMass Amherst, Cape Cod, and Rhode Island more than once.  

Once I met Justin road trips took on a whole new meaning. We drove anywhere and everywhere in the great state of Massachusetts, and occasionally New Hampshire and Vermont.  Our longest trip, thus far, was driving down to Disney World for our 1-year anniversary in September 2010.  We also drove from Miami, FL to Key West, FL a few years ago.  The two of us love to be in the car together.  We play games, talk, and I usually get a lot of sleeping in.  

If I had it my way I would drive everywhere.  I'd skip the planes, trains, and boats every time.  I'm not really sure why I love the car so much, but road trips are one of my favorite things to do.  I'm ready for the first beautiful spring day that I can roll down the windows and hit the road with no particular destination in mind.  I am grateful for the 195.98 miles Justin and I traversed today, and all the road trips to come. 

“Now, on this road trip, my mind seemed to uncrinkle, to breathe, to present to itself a cure for a disease it had not, until now, known it had.” 

― Elizabeth Berg, The Year of Pleasures

Day 25: Feeling Tired

One of the warning signs I should have been aware of last fall was my inability to fall asleep at night.  I can't remember when the nights of insomnia started; I only recall many, many nights of watching the minutes pass by on Justin's alarm clock, or waking up at 2 am and still being awake at 5:30 am when Justin left for work.  Difficulty falling asleep and/or difficulty staying asleep can be signs of depression.  It can also be a sign of a number of other medical issues, mental issues, etc; but for me, not sleeping = an increase in anxiety and feeling of depression.

I was recently prescribed medication to help me fall asleep at night.  My therapist had recommended this course of action years ago, and would occasionally bring it up when I spent half our visit yawning and trying to keep my eyes open.  I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of needing to take a pill every night to fall asleep.  I am certainly not a person who is anti-medication.  I take Prozac for anxiety and am not ashamed to admit it.  I have a chemical imbalance and that medication helps to put me on a level playing field.  Sleeping meds though, that was another story entirely.  Sleeping pills always felt very serious to me, and for some reason I had associated a negative vibe around any and all pills to induce slumber.  I was also anxious about dependency and addiction; as both of those character traits are present in my family history.  I have never personally struggled with addiction, but I know the genes are hidden somewhere in my DNA.  I refused the prescription every time my therapist offered, and barely heard when she explained the benefits.

Recently, I was in a situation where I wasn't given much of a choice to take medication designed to help me de-stress and fall asleep.  The insomnia had taken a strong hold and I desperately needed a full night's sleep; time for my brain to stop stressing out.  I took the sleeping pill regularly the first few nights and slept for 8-9 hours.  8-9 hours!!  I was still tired during the day, but after a few nights of this blissful sleep I was starting to make it past 1 pm without craving a nap.  After 4 or 5 nights the medication didn't work as well, and I had to ask for more.  I started to panic.  I felt like I was sliding down a slippery slope, and I didn't want to get stuck down there.  I was lucky enough to be in a place where the purpose of taking a medication for sleep was explained to me again, and this time I listened.  I took what I needed to help me sleep; without the sleep I was never going to feel better.  

I've had to take the medication a few times this month.  Each time I hesitate.  My anxious mind starts thinking off all the terrible reasons why I shouldn't swallow the little pill.  I take a few deep breaths and take the medicine.  I don't feel bad about it because I don't want to let myself get back to that horrible state of insomnia.  For the most part I am able to fall asleep "drug-free."  I have started using a sleeping mask and listening to a guided meditation.  Both have worked wonders for me, and I would strongly recommend them to anyone who has trouble falling asleep.  

Tonight I am exhausted.  I got home very late last night (this morning), and that's not something I do very often.  Justin and I spent this evening with my Mom in Saugus.  My Aunt is visiting from Maine, so we had dinner together and played some cards.  On the way home I started to feel "blah."  I told Justin how I was feeling and when he asked why I thought about it and realized, I am actually tired.  I have grown so accustomed to not feeling tired at night, and instead feeling anxious.  It feels great to know that right now my body isn't tired because of all the worry I am carrying around, and my eyes aren't heavy because of the tears.  I am tired because it is 9:30 pm and I have had a long day.  It might sound strange to be grateful for such a thing, but I am.  I am grateful to be going to sleep tired.  Not "stressed-out and worrying" tired, but "I just had a really great day and now I need to sleep so tomorrow can be just as great" tired.      

Day 24(ish): Fun Night

So last night didn't wrap up until very early this morning, so here's my Day 24 post...

I am grateful for a super fun night with some of my awesome coworkers! It was a night of yummy food, good drinks, lots of laughs, and very fun people!

Day 23: A Friend

Today I am grateful for a person who I actually haven't known very long.  As I'm getting older, (yes, 28-year-old can be considered older) I'm beginning to realize what friendship means.  It's one of those terms that change throughout a lifetime.  

As a child a friend is someone who lives close to you, or a cousin that's about the same age.  A childhood friend could be someone you sit next to in school, or the person who has the best dessert at lunchtime.  I don't mean for this to sound like the friends you make before you're 10 will not stick with you over time.  Some of Justin's closest friends went to elementary school with him.  As you get older a friend is someone you want to be with all the time.  You call them to see what they're doing 10 minutes after leaving them at school.  You can't make weekend plans without first checking with your best friend.  Sleepovers are a given and secrets do not exist between the two of you.  

Throughout my own life I have had several "best friends."  Each friend played a significant role in my life and regardless of how the relationships developed, I am glad I was able to call them each a friend. 

Now that I'm quickly approaching my 30's (*shudder*) I am realizing how blessed I am to have the friends I do.  Most of those people will probably get shout-outs at some point this year, but today is about someone I just recently met - a "new" friend.  

I had met this new friend briefly at work, but we really met at a wedding last year.  She is the wife of one of my co-workers.  We hit it off pretty quickly, and had a blast at the wedding.  I will admit that I don't remember too many specifics of the night - the vodka and cranberry juice was flowing fairly freely - but I clearly recall laughing, smiling, and having a great time.  The two of us spent most of the night dancing and taking pictures, and occasionally checking in with our significant others.

I now see her every week.  She brings her two sons to my drop-off group at work.  They are the "peer-models"  for our group of children with varying degrees of disabilities.  Each week they make me laugh and keep me on my toes; I love seeing their faces Thursday mornings.  What's even better about having the two of them in my group is getting to see "Mom" every week.  Since I started this blog she has checked-in with me a few times to see how things are going and she has commented on or 'liked' almost every post.  Her caring words and actions mean so much to me.  

Today I am grateful for Jess (and I guess Brandon because I wouldn't have met her without him, but don't tell him that!). I am grateful to have a new friend who is kind, caring, and a lot of fun.  In the process of living a more positive life, it is important to surround yourself with positive people.  Jess is a positive person that I'm lucky to have in my life.      

Day 22: On Demand

Tonight Justin and I had our first healthy evening together since last Thursday. We are definitely a TV family, and tonight I am grateful for On Demand. We missed a few episodes of some of our favorites, so we are currently snuggled up and catching up.   An excellent way to end a day! 

Day 21: Ollivander

Today I am grateful for my dog, Ollivander.  This guy was eventually going to make an appearance as I am grateful for him everyday, but yesterday he was the best dog.  He laid next to me all day while I wasn't feeling well, and even when Justin came home he ate dinner and came back upstairs to hang with me.  I love this pup!!

Justin and I adopted Ollie when he was only 8 weeks old.  We rescued him from a shelter in North Attleboro in October of 2010.  I had been asking Justin for months about getting a dog; he had promised that once we bought a house we could get a dog.  I found an ad online and convinced Justin to at least go meet the last available puppy of the litter.  We ran to Petco to pickup a collar, leash, and some other essentials.  Then we found our way to the shelter.  


The shelter was newly opened, and really it was just a family's home.  The backyard was fenced in, but as Justin and I pulled up the driveway we could hear the little yaps from the puppies waiting behind the gate.  Ollivander was the last puppy to be adopted, so Justin and I didn't really have much of a choice in which puppy we were adopting; but, seriously, who could say "no" to this face?  We filled out the paperwork, paid the adoption fee, and Ollie was on his way home.


Our first few months with Ollie were interesting.  Justin and I learned a lot of important lessons about having a puppy - 

1) Don't expect a crate to keep a dog contained, especially if he really wants to get out. (We bought 2 crates over the course of one weekend and our little houdini broke through both of them!)

2) Gates don't work if your puppy can climb them like "bat-dog." 

3) Stuffed dog toys will last 10 minutes - at best.

4) Puppies can and will eat everything in the backyard (and in the house actually).

5) Dog food is expensive, but not as expensive as the first few vet bills.

6)Puppies love to snuggle.

7)A puppy grows into a fully-grown dog very quickly.

8)You will quickly forget what life was like without the newest member of your family.


Ollivander has grown into a 70lb. black fur ball.  He has stranger-anxiety, so there are only about 10 people he actually likes to be around; but luckily that includes our parents.  He is a smart pup and can stay off-leash in most places.  Ollie loves to play, especially in the snow; but he has adapted to our low-key lifestyle really well.  He will snuggle with me all day if that's what the day calls for; but will play all day long at daycare too.  Like most big dogs, he thinks he's a lap dog - especially with my Mom.  

I am so grateful for Ollivander.  He makes us smile and, for now, completes our little family.  



Here are a few more of my favorite pictures of our big fur ball.

His first snowstorm. 

"Time-out" in the bathroom! Uh-oh!

Then...

Now!

  

Day 20: IOU

I wasn't as lucky as I thought.  The stomach bug that Justin had over the weekend has taken up residence with me. Blah.  Tonight I am grateful for IOUs - I owe all of you a much better post, and will deliver one tomorrow night.

Day 19: 3-Day Weekend

Tonight I don't need to set my alarm.  
I don't need to worry about all the stuff I didn't get done this weekend.  
I didn't need to check my schedule to see what time I have to wake up tomorrow morning.
When I finally go to work I will only have 4 days until the weekend.

I am grateful for the three-day weekend.

Day 18: Not the Flu

 Justin and I spent the entire day on the  couch. I admit to going upstairs for a real nap in bed this afternoon, but other than that nothing. I have been battling a cold all week, but had originally planned to get the house in shape amidst the coughing and sneezing. However, Justin ended up with a stomach bug last night. I took this as a sign to sit dutifully next to him all day today and make sure he had everything he needed.  I benefited from this "sick day" and my cold feels like it's on it's last day.  I think I needed a day of nothing. Justin is starting to feel better too. I am grateful it doesn't seem like it was the flu. I am also grateful (and crossing my fingers) that my flu shot is helping my stomach stay calm.

Day 17: Music

I am grateful for music.  

Music has always been a part of my life. I am proud of my musical taste, which varies from oldies to country to classic rock to musicals.  I will listen to anything once, and almost anything twice.  My favorite genre of music seems to change as quickly as I change the station on the car's radio (my music ADD drives Justin crazy).  I've always loved listening to songs, really listening, and hearing each and every lyric.  I get excited when I find people who will sit with me for hours and listen to "just one more song."  Music ties it all together.  It brings me back to different parts of my life, some good and some not-so-good; but the memories come flooding back as the first chords play.  

My first introduction to music, that I can remember, is listening to the Oldies channel in my Mom's caravan.  I don't have any specific memories of certain songs, but I somehow knew all the words to every Lesley Gore, Gene Pitney, Frankie Valli, and Tommy Roe song.  As I got a little older my musical influences stretched into my brother's bedroom; it was there I learned the (probably not so appropriate) words to "I'll Make Love To You" and "Jagged Little Pill."  It helped that my brothers were a generation ahead of me and anything they thought was cool was obviously cool.  While Boyz II Men and Alanis Morissette where playing on John and Mike's tape players, a few years later Matt opened up my world to country music.  I remember watching a Garth Brook's TV special and thinking, "Wow, he's actually telling a story."  Shortly after that I heard "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw and "Little Bitty" by Alan Jackson; I was hooked.  

I spent my high school years like most teenagers, rejecting everything I grew up with because my generation's music was obviously the best.  I mean, seriously, what's not to love about the Backstreet Boys?!?  I adorned the walls of my room with their posters and cried when their song wasn't #1 on TRL (remember the days of music videos?).  I also spent quite a bit of time working at a music store during high school.  I slowly added Good Charlotte, Barenaked Ladies, and Eminem to my list of downloaded music.  

By the time I got to college I had 2 massive CD cases full of the music I thought I couldn't live without.  I have continued to add to my collection of songs and artists.  My taste in music hasn't narrowed much; most road trips my car is filled with songs from the Rent soundtrack, Pitbill, Taylor Swift, The Beatles, and Brad Paisley.  

While I am grateful for music in its entirety, recently it has come to mean more to me.  Music has given me ways to connect with people, remember loved ones, and find some inner peace. I was driving home from work yesterday and John Mayer's "Say What You Need to Say" started playing on Pandora.  It made me smile and it brought back memories of a weekend spent with my closest friends; a weekend I look forward to each year.  Christmas has just passed, and there are very few carols that do not remind me of my Dad.  He was Mr. Christmas, and "Someday at Christmas" is hard to listen to without getting teary.  Anytime "God Bless the Broken Road" plays on the radio I call to check-in with Justin.  My mom and I have too many special songs to list, although my necklace with "26 cents" will always be special.  

Music has an amazing way of bringing you back to a moment.  A simple melody can make you cry, smile, or laugh.  There isn't one song that is my favorite, or one genre that I can't live without.  I simply cannot live without music.  Lyrics have found their way into my heart, and I am grateful for the music in my life.    

"Funny how a melody sounds like a memory"

- Eric Church

Day 16: Sleep

I am grateful to be getting into bed before 9:00 pm tonight.  I haven't been feeling great - this cold is slowly breaking me.  I only need to make it one more day until a 3-day weekend, so I'm hoping a good night's sleep will help.  

Because tonight's post is on the shorter side I thought I'd share some extra reading, if you feel like it.  The article below, from The Huffington Post, doesn't have extraordinarily new information, but I was interested to see the term "anticipatory anxiety" mentioned specifically.  The concept seems pretty obvious, but I'd never had that term explained to me until recently.  It was like a light bulb moment - of course that's what I'm dealing with.  Sometimes naming the enemy helps in the fight.  

Anyways, good night everyone!     

Sleep Deprivation Drives Up Anxiety, Study Shows

Day 15: A List To Help

When I thought of doing this blog the idea sounded simple.  Each day write one thing I am grateful for, and maybe some days elaborate a bit more.  I'd hoped to find time each night to reflect on the day and find a moment that I could be grateful for, something specific for each day.  That has proven to be a harder thing to do then I'd originally thought.  The reason it feels difficult tonight is not because I don't have things to be grateful for; the opposite is actually true.  I am having a hard time thinking of something tonight because of my anxiety and depression.  

Some days the feelings come out of nowhere, and I am ill-prepared to battle them away.  I've certainly been doing better, but today was a harder day.  I've been told there will be set-backs, and that it's typical to feel like crap sometimes, but hearing it doesn't make it easier to cope when you find yourself stuck in a maze of your thoughts.  

Tonight I've decided to make a list.  The list will not be complete, and it will not be in any particular order.  What I will do tonight is create a list to come back to when I'm having days or nights like tonight.  This list will serve as another tool in fighting off what I cannot always control.  

Here goes:

I am grateful for:

1. Justin
2. My Mom
3. My Dad
4. My Brothers
5. Tanasi
6. All of my In-Laws
7. My nieces and nephews
8. My Friends
9. Ollivander
10. My home
11. My car
12. My job
13. The food in my refrigerator
14. Music
15. Dragonflies
16. Disney
17. Books
18. My education
19. Rainbows
20. TV and Movies
21. Road Trips
22. My faith
23. Memories
24. This blog
25. The people who read this blog
26. Meds
27. Doctors
28. My co-workers
29. My country
30. Photographs
31. Apps
32. Games
33. Love

Day 14: Mom's Recipes

I'm starting to get a cold.  First one of the year, oh boy!!  When I was a kid and got sick my Mom would sometimes make homemade soup.  It tasted amazing, and somehow had the miracle ingredient to even make me feel better.  Mom's recipes are pretty wonderful.

I am not a cook.  I actually dislike cooking so much I married a chef!  Well, that's not really why I married him but it's certainly one of the perks.  Tonight I am grateful for my Mom's homemade soup recipe, and for a husband who does a pretty good job of replicating it.  Here's hoping the soup can still cure a cold.

Day 13: Kind Words

Well, I made it through a Monday!  I was nervous about having another panic attack this morning, especially since I was driving to the same street as last week.  Too many similarities.  But today was a success, and one day further away from my last panic attack.  Hooray!

Despite my excitement now, I spent most of the morning in a semi-nervous state.  I was waiting for the anxiety to show it's cruel face.  I had two visits before I started to feel a bit better, then I got a text message from a coworker.  It was a simple message and a wish for a good day today.  I read the text message, smiled, and exhaled.  A few simple words were all it took to give me the confidence I needed to get through the day.

Now, I know that we shouldn't rely on other people to effect the outcome of our days and moods.  This is something I am actually working very hard to accept, especially in the opposite regard - people's negative comments, or my belief that they have negative feelings towards me, typically ruin my whole day.  I am learning to be a more positive person and finding ways to be a happier and more peaceful person. I think today would have turned out okay even without the text message.  I had made it through the first few hours of my day, and the uneasy feeling in my stomach was subsiding.  But it's always nice to have a little backup.  The few words that popped up on my screen served as a reminder that the day was going to be good.  It also reminded me that people do think positively about me and hope the best for me; an idea so obvious, but quickly erased by even the slightest bit of anxiety.  I am so grateful for those kind words, and of course the person who sent me the message.  

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless." 

- Mother Teresa

Day 12: Blue Sky and White Clouds

This morning the sky was bright blue, almost so blue it hurt to look at it too long.  Bright white, puffy clouds littered the sky, moving so slowly and yet fast enough to notice their progress.  I sat on my back steps and closed my eyes while the dog was playing in the yard.  I heard the birds and the wind chimes, interrupted by the occasional car driving down the street.  It struck me as beautiful that although the cars' noises overwhelmed everything else, the birds and chimes took over as soon as the car was far enough away, and again their music filled the air.  The breeze was cold, but not intolerable.  I had Justin come outside with me.  We sat quietly for a few minutes, then started pointing out shapes in the clouds.  Such a silly game, but one we used to play all the time.  We only stayed outside for about 10 minutes, then our morning carried on like just another weekend.  But it was enough.  

I am grateful for the blue sky and white clouds that helped me start my day filled with peace.         

Day 11: Jack and Tia

Justin and I spent the better part of today with our niece, Tia, and our nephew, Jack.  They are two of the 7 nieces and nephews we have between our combined families.  Today was the second part of their Christmas gift - a trip to Toys R Us to spend the gift cards we gave them.  After our amazingly quick trip through the store, we went back to my brother and sister-in-law's house for pizza.

Jack had started opening his new Skylanders in the car, so he was all ready to add them to the rest of his collection - I think the total is 12 now.  Tia had also opened part of her Peppa Pig play set and was eager to tear into the rest of the toys.  Watching her play and listening to Jack explain the figures' various powers was fun.  Plain and simple - it was fun.  Jack and Tia are two terrific kids. 

Jack is eight-years-old.  He and I have a special way of saying good-bye that started when he was little.  I'm grateful he's still "little" enough to keep it going with me.  Jack is a smart little guy who loves to read and truly enjoys learning - the phrase "kids are like sponges" was meant for Jack.  He absorbs information and carefully figures it all out.  He asks some pretty amazing questions.  Jack loves school, and it makes me smile when I ask him "How's school going?" and he almost always replies, "Great!"  He is also a comedian-in-training.  If you know my brother, Mike, his Dad, this shouldn't come as a big surprise.  Today Jack was making jokes about different things that had all of us laughing.  He is starting to learn to use sarcasm, so he'll fit right in at our holiday dinners.  Jack is into so many different things.  It's fun to see his interests change and develop as he gets older.    

Tia is three-years-old.  She is, despite my sister-in-law's efforts, the princess of the household.  She loves anything sparkly.  She also loves Mickey Mouse, Peppa Pig, Hello Kitty, My Little Pony...you get the idea.  Tia has more personality in her little body than any other three-year-old I've met.  She can light up the room with her smile and laugh, but will tell you if she doesn't like something.  She keeps everyone on their toes, and has mastered the look that makes it so hard to say "no."  She has so much energy that it's not hard to imagine her dancing around the room; but she can snuggle up with books just as quickly.  Tia has a passion for life and is one sassy little girl.    

Spending time with Jack and Tia today was a fun surprise.  It's hard to feel anything but happy when you're hanging out with two of the best kids around (I know I'm biased, I never said I wasn't).  I love them both and I am grateful to be their Auntie Kelly. 



p.s. Don't worry, the other 5 nieces and nephews will have their day here too!

Day 10: Friday

I am grateful it is Friday.

I made it through a full week of work.
I am grateful it is Friday.

I can stay up late and not feel like a jerk.
I am grateful it is Friday.

I have no plans for two whole days.
I am grateful it is Friday.

And for that this day deserves some praise.
I am grateful it is Friday.


And just because I haven't seen enough of this video lately . . . 
Gotta Get Down!

Day 9: A Little Victory

I had originally intended to be grateful for the alone time I had tonight; but, as I started writing it occurred to me that what I am actually grateful for is a little harder to articulate. 

Justin let me know yesterday that he had a work meeting tonight.  He wasn't sure what time he'd be getting home, but the meeting started at 3:30 and was taking place in a town about 30 minutes away from Milford.  I am grateful that I was able to take this piece of information and continue on with my night.  I even asked him what the meeting was for.  This might not seem like a big deal, but to me it's actually a really huge step.  Justin would most likely agree. In the past when Justin told me he had to work late, or made any change in what I thought was our schedule, I panicked.  This turned into anger, sadness, and just a general feeling of crappiness.  Most of the time I would go to bed or spend the rest of the day in this "funk."  I actually slept great last night.   

Today at work I thought fleetingly about Justin's meeting.  It didn't sit with me the way it normally would have - the impending hours I had to spend alone.  I actually thought about what I was going to do with my free time, and on my drive home I didn't burst into tears or call Justin a million times just to make sure he really had to go to his meeting.  I actually didn't call him at all tonight.  I waited patiently for him to call me when he was on his way home.  I am grateful for getting through the anticipatory anxiety of being home alone.    

When I got home from work tonight I didn't do anything special.  I fed the dog , had some left-over Chinese Food, watched a Dance Moms special on demand, and colored.  Justin called to let me know he was on his way home, so I decided to start writing. That way when he got home we could hang out (and by hang out I mean watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy).  I am grateful for the things I did not do tonight.  I did not come home and get upset with the dog for no reason.  I did not go upstairs and sulk because Justin wasn't home and hadn't called me.  I did not let myself get wrapped up in the "blah."     

If, for some crazy reason, my life became a reality TV show, tonight would have been a night they edited out.  Nothing special.  Nothing of interest.  To me that's what makes it a night to be grateful for.  Having a change in my schedule was something that used to shake me.  I had a difficult time with unexpected twists, even little ones like waking up late and not getting done what needed to be done on a weekend.  Being alone was something I was always scared of, and did my best to avoid.  Probably because when I was alone I did a lot of thinking, and when you're in a loosing battle with anxiety and depression, thinking is the last thing you want to do.  Tonight I won a little battle.  

I know that I will continue to have ups and downs.  There will be days I still get flustered by an unexpected event, and there will be times I cry because I have to be by myself.  I also know that as I continue to gain strength and learn the tools I need to fight this war, I will have fewer and fewer days full of anxiety and sadness.  I will have more days like today.  

I am grateful that I can call the past 24 hours a victory.        

Day 8: JMB

Today I am grateful for my husband, Justin Martin Brown.  This post is about to get cute, so please stop reading if you don't want to hear it.  Just a warning!

Justin and I met when I was a sophomore at Wheelock College in Boston, and he was a full-time machinist in Western, MA.  We met through a mutual friend in April 2004 and spent a few days together, then went our separate ways.  I had previously been in a "I'm never getting married and going to live my adult life alone with lots of cats" phase, but I started revising that view after meeting Justin.  I have no idea how he felt about us meeting, and I doubt he'll share it in such a public space, so you'll all have to guess.  I assume he was taken with my witty humor and love for the Red Sox.  Just kidding!  

We didn't see or talk to each other again until the following September.  He was coming up to Boston and needed a place to stay.  Since I was now roommates with our mutual friend it worked out for everyone.  Justin was only suppose to stay Friday night and leave Saturday morning.  He ended up staying until late Sunday afternoon.  I walked back to my dorm room with a huge smile, and proceeded to thank my roommate for introducing me to my new boyfriend.  No more cats in my future.

Justin and I had a somewhat "long-distance" relationship for awhile.  I still had a few years left of college and he ended up enrolling at Johnson & Wales in Rhode Island.  We made it work, and really it wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.  Every Sunday night I thought I'd never make it to the next weekend - young and hopelessly in love.  It was a really great time in my life.  Justin and I ended moving in together after I graduated in December of 2006.  We've lived in Weymouth, Brighton, Ashland, and now Milford.  Our families are officially done moving us at this point.  

Our relationship has had it's fair share of twists, turns, and bumpy roads.  I think most of the strongest relationships I know share this same path.  We have been together for almost 10 years, and married for 4 1/2 of them.  It's crazy to think of how young we were when we first started dating.  As individuals we have grown and changed; and luckily, our relationship is stronger because of that.  

Throughout all of the ups and downs Justin has remained my rock.  I know it sounds cliche, but it's true.  He is the level-headed balance to my, well, not so level-headedness.  Justin has brought so much fun and adventure into my life.  He introduced me to most of my closest friends, and has become part of my family.  Justin has reassured me during times of discontent, and brought be back down to earth when my ideas get a little too carried away.  He is the mint-chocolate chip ice cream to my vanilla.  (I warned you this post might get sweet.)  

Most recently Justin has held my hand through the toughest days of my life.  I don't know where I would be without him.  He has seen me at my worst, and continues to love me.  For that, and so many more reasons, I am grateful for my amazing husband.  

At one of our first Red Sox games in 2004.

Our most recent Red Sox game in 2013.

Day 7: It's Wicked Cold Outside

Tonight is an easy one.  Short and sweet -  I am grateful for these things:

1. Sweatpants
2. Slippers
3. Fleece Blankets
4. Warm Fuzzy Socks
5. Vests
6. The person who thought putting fleece lining in everything was a good idea (he/she was right)
7. Hot Chocolate
8. Thermal Long Sleeved T-Shirts
9. Automatic Car Starters
10. Hot Coffee (just to hold the cup, I hate the taste!)
11. Knitted Blankets
12. Gloves
13. Scarves
14. Sweatshirts
15. Radiator Heating (it's great to "hear" the heat!)

Clearly, I am grateful to be warm today.  I can't imagine not having some of the items I mentioned above, and I know I am blessed and fortunate to have some of them.  I am grateful for that as well.  It is wicked cold outside, and I am certainly grateful to be inside.  Anyone else have things they are grateful for on cold days?  

Day 6: Each Hour

Today was my first real day back to work.  I have gone in 4 times since my "vacation", but each trip to the office was short and sweet; I did what I needed to do and went back home.  I had only done 1 home visit and 1 group in those 4 days. Today I had scheduled 5 home visits. Today I did not do 5 home visits.

For those of you who don't know a lot about my job I will give you a quick run down.  I work for an Early Intervention program.  Early Intervention works with children between birth and three-years-old who have development delays, diagnoses, and/or are at risk for delays.  We evaluate children and if they qualify for services we begin seeing them at home, at daycare, etc., for about an hour each week.  Our goal is to help caregivers incorporate strategies into their day-to-day lives that will help facilitate their child's/children's development.  We also run groups at our center: parent-child groups, child-only groups, and smaller groups that focus on specific aspects of development.  If you've read my previous posts you know that I love my job.  I enjoy meeting new families and I especially enjoy watching and helping children gain new skills.  There are certainly challenges that come from the actual work and from the logistics of going into people's homes, driving all over MetroWest, and juggling the ever-changing paperwork.  Despite all of that, I was very excited last night to get back into the swing of things.

This morning I woke up early enough to actually eat breakfast, watch the news, and feed my dog.  I typically just make it out of the door in time, and leave the dog's food in his bowl and hope he eats it at some point during the day.  Last night I was feeling a little anxious, and I suspected it was due to my pending "full return" to the job.  This morning all of those jitters seemed to have subsided after a somewhat restful night's sleep.  It also helped that I walked myself through the entire day before falling asleep last night, and I couldn't think of any impending disasters.  I had scheduled 2 IFSP meetings, 1 IEP meeting, and a co-treat with another therapist.  Basically all of those acronyms mean a day full of paperwork-type visits; in my job those are the easier visits to manage.  I left the house this morning with a clear head and ready to get done what needed to get done.  

I made it about 12 miles (of the 13.3 MapQuest tells me the drive should have taken), and all of my confidence, excitement, and eagerness fell to my anxiety.  By the time I pulled up to the apartment building I was in a full-blown panic attack.  

I made the right decision to drive to my office, and luckily my director found someone else to do my first visit.  It gave me some time to calm down.  I used some of the techniques I'd been learning - holding an ice pack, breathing, talking to someone - and within 25 minutes I was feeling better.  I certainly wasn't feeling great, but I would say on a scale of 1 to FULL-BLOWN-PANIC, I was about a 5.  During the next 90 minutes I busied myself with paperwork, talked to a few more people, and by the time I left the office I was feeling much better.  The frustration of having to cancel 2 visits lingered for most of the day, but even now those feelings are fading.

As I was waiting to go into my last visit of the day I started thinking about what a difference a few hours can make.  At the start of my day I was happy, stress-free, and ready to conquer my first day back.  The next few hours were awful - anxiety-filled, physically sick, frustrated.  As the day progressed I started feeling better, so the last few hours of my work day were great.  Now, as I'm writing this, I can't believe how many emotions I felt in the past 12 hours.  

My sister-in-law gave me great advice about working in Early Intervention - "You can do anything for an hour." What she meant by that was, even the most challenging visits are only 60 minutes out of a whole day - you can do anything for an hour, and then move on to the next thing.  I didn't realize how that advice would eventually translate into all aspects of my life.

Today I was living for each hour.  Once I realized I was having a panic attack ,I was able to talk myself through most of it.  I started thinking about the day in terms of hours versus looking at my whole schedule and getting more overwhelmed.  Once I decided/needed to cancel my first two visits I had nowhere to be until 11am.  I knew I had an hour and a half at the office, so I focused on that small amount of time.  That's how I got through most of the day.  One hour at a time - a simplified version of AA's saying, "One Day At A Time."  I made it through my day.

I am grateful, beyond grateful, that each day is filled with 24 hours.  While I am asleep for a great portion of those hours, I am still left with at least 15 hours each day.  Some of those hours may be awful - a visit that didn't go as planned, a flat tire, or a panic attack; some of those hours will go by without my even thinking about it; and still, some of those hours will be spent smiling and laughing - talking with my friends, helping a child take his first steps, or watching TV at the end of a busy day with my husband.  I am grateful for each of those hours.  The lousy ones are the hardest to get through, and, if I am being completely honest, some of those hours don't stop after 60 minutes - the anxiety remains and the frustration doesn't go away because the hands on the clock turn from 2:59pm to 3:00pm.  But there are more days filled with the better hours, the ones I don't want to end.  I know the bad feelings won't last forever, even though in the moment it certainly feels that way.  If I can remind myself of how grateful I am for each hour, I will remember that at 8:00am I might be stressed beyond belief, but by 10:30am or even 9:00am I may be smiling and laughing again.  

I am grateful that over the course of a day an hour can make all the difference.  And really, I can do anything for an hour.    

Day 5: Religion with a lower case "r"

Hopefully the title of today's post didn't steer anyone away, but I guess if it did they were not meant to read it this evening.  Maybe someday, or maybe never at all; either way is fine really.  I started getting all worked up about how many people were reading this thing, and I forgot the real reason for writing.  For me, and anyone else who wants to join me.  Anyways, back to the religion.


I put the word religion in italics because it brings up so many different emotions for every single individual.  What I am grateful for today is not Religion, with the capital R; but instead religion - spirituality, community, music, words, and faith.  Religion is something I have struggled with for years, especially in the past few.  I was raised Catholic by my Protestant mother, and she did an amazing job of introducing me to religion.  By the time I was six-years-old I could recite all the books of the bible - thank you Wee Sing Bible Songs - and I even did a reading at Mass just before my First Communion.  I didn't return to CCD after my First Communion and I spent most of my middle and high school years playing the very convincing role of Atheist.  What I was actually doing was telling people I didn't believe in God, getting mad at people who put all their faith in the church, and breaking up with a boyfriend who I deemed, "too religious."  

I am lucky that in my adult life I have been introduced to some of the most faithful people, most through my husband (who I will eventually be grateful for at some point this year).  Through Justin I made my way back to the Catholic Church and received my Confirmation during college.  It's something that I am very proud of, and even more so that I took my grandmother's name as my own during that service.  The running joke in my family is that my Nana is now sitting up there at those pearly gates making the decisions about other people's entry - of course, she would be letting everyone in because my Nana believed, above all else, that people deserved forgiveness and compassion.  As I began to develop my own sense of religion I often thought about my Nana and hoped that I would one day be as close to my faith as she was to hers.

In the past few years I have had the ultimate highs and lows of my religious life thus far.  I have lived through the acceptance of my anxiety and depression, faced the reality of infertility, and grieved for my father.  I won't go into details because I believe everyone has events in their lives that they can equate to my own.  Situations that make you question everything you believe in - whether it is God, another higher power, whatever occupies that compartment in your brain labelled "faith."  My faith has been shaken more in the past 3 1/2 years then I thought possible.  

On the flip side - as I mentioned before, I have been given the amazing blessing of being introduced to an amazing group of people, most of whom have a strong sense of faith, community, and their religion.  I started helping my husband and our friends put together a retreat once a year in western, MA.  The retreat is geared towards Catholic teens and young adults.  Those weekends have been the highest point in my faith life.  It brought me closer to my friends, and closer to my own faith.  The person who deserves the biggest standing ovation when it comes to me and my religion is Justin.  He has allowed me to grow in my own way, and he has answered more questions than most CCD teachers.   

Taking all of this into consideration, I was sitting at church tonight and realized how grateful I am to have religion as part of my life.  I am by no means the perfect Catholic.  There are weekends I don't attend Mass, and I haven't been to confession in a very long time; but I'm not sure that's what it's all about.  My religion is based on the teachings of the Catholic Church, but it more than that.  My religion is a sense of community - the many amazing people I have met and grown closer to through my faith.  My religion is my anchor.  Religion has helped me deal with, and continue to deal with, all of those low points I mentioned before.  Religion is the feeling I get sitting in church listening to the music play and the choir sing a familiar song.  It is the feeling of comfort and familiarity.  Maybe that isn't what a Catholic should believe their religion to be, but I think my Nana would be proud of me.    

   



    

Day 4: Compassion

com·pas·sion  (km-pshn)

n.

              Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

I went back to work on Thursday.  I had only put in a few hours on the two days leading up to Christmas and the office was pretty bare so I didn't have an opportunity to see many of my coworkers.  After the winter break I was ready to get back to work, but still a little anxious about seeing everyone I've worked with for the past 6 years.  That morning one of my coworkers came in my office to ask a question.  She stayed for a few minutes and asked how I was doing.  She didn't pry or ask specifics, but just wanted to check-in and let me know that if I needed anything she was there for me.  I explained to her why I had taken a 2-week leave of absence and she just smiled, told me she understood, and was very glad I was feeling better.  She cared about my well-being and let me know; I didn't realize how much that meant to me until just now.  

Once the snow stopped falling yesterday and the roads looked relatively safe, I headed to the office for a few hours.  There were only a few other people there - my director, who I haven't seen since before the winter break, and a few other therapists.  My director asked how my break was and I automatically replied, "Good.  How about yours?"  She didn't answer right away.  Instead she asked, "How are you?"  Then I thought about what she was really asking me.  She hadn't said it, but what she meant was "Are you feeling better?  Are you okay?"  It was weird to hear someone asking me that, and even more strange to have someone wait for the answer and really listen.  Please don't think I'm saying that I don't have people in my life who care about me and listen when I'm talking; I certainly do.  The reason it felt strange was because for the first time at work I was admitting there was a time when I wasn't okay.  We finished our conversation and I left to my own office.  I didn't think about it then, but it felt good to have someone show compassion.  I was grateful for that, and it took me until today to realize it.  

Before I could even sit down one of the other therapists who was there came in and gave me a big hug.  She said it was great to have me back and she asked about my decision to leave the position of a supervisor.  I explained, in part, what led me to step down and she said she understood.  It's not that I wasn't expecting people to understand my decision; rather, it amazed me how people agreed that I needed to take care of myself. 

As I was getting ready to leave another therapist and I started chatting.  Somehow we got on the topic of life choices.  I mentioned to her that Justin and I are thinking about moving, and also how I'd eventually like to go back to school and get my PhD.  She listened as I probably went on way too long talking about how I'm trying to simplify and not worry about the future.  At the end of our conversation she told me how glad she was that I was back, and how important I am to our team.  Again, I didn't appreciate the compassion until just now.  

Compassion, as defined above, is the ability for one person to be aware of another's suffering and at the same time hope to alleviate some of the pain.  I am grateful for compassion.  I am grateful for those people in my life, who are not limited to the few I mentioned above, who have the ability to show compassion.  I am grateful for my own evolving ability to accept compassion and recognize it in those around me.  It took me until I sat down and started thinking about the past few days to realize how powerful others' compassion came be, and to actually see those brief conversations as examples of compassion.  I hope this year I will continue to see compassion in others, and show compassion to those around me.