Day 4: Compassion

com·pas·sion  (km-pshn)

n.

              Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

I went back to work on Thursday.  I had only put in a few hours on the two days leading up to Christmas and the office was pretty bare so I didn't have an opportunity to see many of my coworkers.  After the winter break I was ready to get back to work, but still a little anxious about seeing everyone I've worked with for the past 6 years.  That morning one of my coworkers came in my office to ask a question.  She stayed for a few minutes and asked how I was doing.  She didn't pry or ask specifics, but just wanted to check-in and let me know that if I needed anything she was there for me.  I explained to her why I had taken a 2-week leave of absence and she just smiled, told me she understood, and was very glad I was feeling better.  She cared about my well-being and let me know; I didn't realize how much that meant to me until just now.  

Once the snow stopped falling yesterday and the roads looked relatively safe, I headed to the office for a few hours.  There were only a few other people there - my director, who I haven't seen since before the winter break, and a few other therapists.  My director asked how my break was and I automatically replied, "Good.  How about yours?"  She didn't answer right away.  Instead she asked, "How are you?"  Then I thought about what she was really asking me.  She hadn't said it, but what she meant was "Are you feeling better?  Are you okay?"  It was weird to hear someone asking me that, and even more strange to have someone wait for the answer and really listen.  Please don't think I'm saying that I don't have people in my life who care about me and listen when I'm talking; I certainly do.  The reason it felt strange was because for the first time at work I was admitting there was a time when I wasn't okay.  We finished our conversation and I left to my own office.  I didn't think about it then, but it felt good to have someone show compassion.  I was grateful for that, and it took me until today to realize it.  

Before I could even sit down one of the other therapists who was there came in and gave me a big hug.  She said it was great to have me back and she asked about my decision to leave the position of a supervisor.  I explained, in part, what led me to step down and she said she understood.  It's not that I wasn't expecting people to understand my decision; rather, it amazed me how people agreed that I needed to take care of myself. 

As I was getting ready to leave another therapist and I started chatting.  Somehow we got on the topic of life choices.  I mentioned to her that Justin and I are thinking about moving, and also how I'd eventually like to go back to school and get my PhD.  She listened as I probably went on way too long talking about how I'm trying to simplify and not worry about the future.  At the end of our conversation she told me how glad she was that I was back, and how important I am to our team.  Again, I didn't appreciate the compassion until just now.  

Compassion, as defined above, is the ability for one person to be aware of another's suffering and at the same time hope to alleviate some of the pain.  I am grateful for compassion.  I am grateful for those people in my life, who are not limited to the few I mentioned above, who have the ability to show compassion.  I am grateful for my own evolving ability to accept compassion and recognize it in those around me.  It took me until I sat down and started thinking about the past few days to realize how powerful others' compassion came be, and to actually see those brief conversations as examples of compassion.  I hope this year I will continue to see compassion in others, and show compassion to those around me.