One of the warning signs I should have been aware of last fall was my inability to fall asleep at night. I can't remember when the nights of insomnia started; I only recall many, many nights of watching the minutes pass by on Justin's alarm clock, or waking up at 2 am and still being awake at 5:30 am when Justin left for work. Difficulty falling asleep and/or difficulty staying asleep can be signs of depression. It can also be a sign of a number of other medical issues, mental issues, etc; but for me, not sleeping = an increase in anxiety and feeling of depression.
I was recently prescribed medication to help me fall asleep at night. My therapist had recommended this course of action years ago, and would occasionally bring it up when I spent half our visit yawning and trying to keep my eyes open. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of needing to take a pill every night to fall asleep. I am certainly not a person who is anti-medication. I take Prozac for anxiety and am not ashamed to admit it. I have a chemical imbalance and that medication helps to put me on a level playing field. Sleeping meds though, that was another story entirely. Sleeping pills always felt very serious to me, and for some reason I had associated a negative vibe around any and all pills to induce slumber. I was also anxious about dependency and addiction; as both of those character traits are present in my family history. I have never personally struggled with addiction, but I know the genes are hidden somewhere in my DNA. I refused the prescription every time my therapist offered, and barely heard when she explained the benefits.
Recently, I was in a situation where I wasn't given much of a choice to take medication designed to help me de-stress and fall asleep. The insomnia had taken a strong hold and I desperately needed a full night's sleep; time for my brain to stop stressing out. I took the sleeping pill regularly the first few nights and slept for 8-9 hours. 8-9 hours!! I was still tired during the day, but after a few nights of this blissful sleep I was starting to make it past 1 pm without craving a nap. After 4 or 5 nights the medication didn't work as well, and I had to ask for more. I started to panic. I felt like I was sliding down a slippery slope, and I didn't want to get stuck down there. I was lucky enough to be in a place where the purpose of taking a medication for sleep was explained to me again, and this time I listened. I took what I needed to help me sleep; without the sleep I was never going to feel better.
I've had to take the medication a few times this month. Each time I hesitate. My anxious mind starts thinking off all the terrible reasons why I shouldn't swallow the little pill. I take a few deep breaths and take the medicine. I don't feel bad about it because I don't want to let myself get back to that horrible state of insomnia. For the most part I am able to fall asleep "drug-free." I have started using a sleeping mask and listening to a guided meditation. Both have worked wonders for me, and I would strongly recommend them to anyone who has trouble falling asleep.
Tonight I am exhausted. I got home very late last night (this morning), and that's not something I do very often. Justin and I spent this evening with my Mom in Saugus. My Aunt is visiting from Maine, so we had dinner together and played some cards. On the way home I started to feel "blah." I told Justin how I was feeling and when he asked why I thought about it and realized, I am actually tired. I have grown so accustomed to not feeling tired at night, and instead feeling anxious. It feels great to know that right now my body isn't tired because of all the worry I am carrying around, and my eyes aren't heavy because of the tears. I am tired because it is 9:30 pm and I have had a long day. It might sound strange to be grateful for such a thing, but I am. I am grateful to be going to sleep tired. Not "stressed-out and worrying" tired, but "I just had a really great day and now I need to sleep so tomorrow can be just as great" tired.
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