Day 120: Music & Movement

I am grateful for a really fun Music & Movement class today. I was nervous about it and didn't think I was ready, but it was good. The parents participated, and the kids seemed like enjoyed it too! There's always room for improvement, but overall I'd call it a success! 

Day 119: Doppelganger

Since the beginning of the school year there has been a teenager who walks to school in the opposite direction of my drive out of Milford.  He appears to be walking towards the high school.  This kid is Justin's doppelganger; but, only in his walk.

It's the craziest thing.  I never realized Justin had a particular walk until I saw this kid walking up a hill towards the high school.  He had a hooded sweatshirt on, backpack on, hands stuck in the front pocket of the hoodie, and he was just walking to school.  Everything about the way he walked reminded me of Justin.  It reminded me of college, when I would wait (not so) patiently to see Justin walking from the train station towards my dorm.  

I haven't seen the doppelganger in a few weeks, with vacation and my weird hours driving to work.  This morning I tried to call Justin at work just to say "Good Morning," but his cell doesn't have service at his office and no one picked up the landline.  As I ended the call I turned a corner and there was the doppelganger.  Walking around the corner, head down just a little bit, hands in the front pocket, with a little bob in his step.  So much like Justin I had to smile.

I am grateful for this kid who walks to school each morning. He doesn't know it, but he makes me smile whenever I see him.  

Day 118: 3 Hour Tour

I am grateful that I fell asleep at about 5:30 pm this evening and slept until a few minutes ago.  I will hopefully sleep tonight, and in the morning feel caught up.

Day 117: Wait, What Vacation?

Tomorrow I go back to work. I've had a week long vacation and in the morning my alarm will be set for 6am. I'm obviously not thrilled, but I can say I had a pretty wonderful 5 days off. I spent time with my niece and nephew from Maine, and my two other nephews and my other two nieces who live more locally. I went to the zoo, painted at a hair salon, went to the movies, saw my best friend, watched the marathon, got my hair done, went to a going-away party, meet a realtor, and slept (although not as much as I would have liked). I didn't go on a spectacular vacation, but I had a great away-from-work week. I am very grateful for the past 7 days, and looking forward to the next few weeks/weekends. 

Day 116: I Fought Through

Tonight I had a panic attack.  It certainly wasn't the worst one I've had, but I had it all the same.  Tonight I was able to calm myself down and continue on with the night.  I am grateful that I fought through it.

Justin and I had planned to go to a "Going-Away" party for our friend Becky.  She is starting this really amazing traveling physical therapist position, and will most likely be moving to North Carolina for the next 3-6 months, and then possibly Colorado.  Anyways, we were all getting together at her friend's house (I had never been there and have only met this friend once), and at about 6:15 Justin woke me up and told me it was time to go.

I started getting ready and my stomach started feeling horrible.  I thought I might be getting the flu, but then I started thinking about the party.  I couldn't figure out if my symptoms were flu-related, or my anxiety creeping up.  I ended up having a panic attack in the parking lot of our old church. Justin was amazing.  He sat quietly and let me do what I needed to do and talk through what I needed to talk through.  He let me know that we could just go home if that's what I needed. He was amazing tonight.

But I didn't want to go home.  I knew that I wanted to go to this party. I wanted to see my friends, especially Becky, and I knew I would have a good time.  I had to convince myself that I shouldn't be scared; because that's how I was feeling.  I was scared to go to a new place and be with people I didn't know. I was scared they would judge me and not like me and that I would end up feeling horrible.  That's the power of social anxiety.  I had to talk through all of these feelings and tell myself over and over that none of it was true.  I made Justin promise not to leave me alone, just in case, and we started towards Springfield. 

I had a great time tonight.  By the time we reached the house my breathing was calmer, my stomach felt much better, and I was excited to see my friends.  Honestly, it really sucked feeling that way before a party; but I made it through and came out on the other side.  Social anxiety is a huge part of my general anxiety and depression.  It continues to control a lot of my thoughts and actions.  I'm working very, very hard to "re-train" my brain to think it more positive ways, but it's hard work. 

I am grateful that I fought through the anxiety tonight.  I know if I had gone back and not made it to the party I would have felt worse.  I would have felt like the anxiety won, and I'm so tired of feeling like that.  I know there may be days ahead that I will succumb to those fears, but the more fights I win the strong I will become; and I am grateful for my strength.

Day 115: Unexpected Fireworks

I drove to Connecticut to see Kristen tonight.  We've been hanging out more often and we will keep this up!  It's actually really great to see your best friend at the tail end of a vacation; it makes the prospect of going back to work a little easier.

Tonight we went to see Divergent (which I've now seen 4 times, and loved it more each time I watched it).  After the movie we were leaving the theater at around 9:30 and started hearing rapid-fire bangs.  It sounded like gunshots or fireworks. Fortunately it was the later.  Kristen and I have a shared LOVE for fireworks and it was crazy that we got to see them on a random Friday night from the parking lot of a mall/movie theater.  Us being us, we pulled the car around to get a better view and stayed in the parking lot until the show was over.  I managed to get a few pictures, but they were hard to catch with the camera on my phone.

Kristen and I decided the fireworks were the universe's way of telling us to spend more time together.  So tonight I am grateful for fireworks and the universe.

Day 114: Disney Movies

Today my Mom and I took Chyanne and Dakota to see Frozen. Yes, we are far behind the trend with this one. For some reason I hadn't felt the need to see it, and actually that's true for some of the most recently released Disney movies. I'm not sure why, probably because life happened in a very serious way these past few years. But I am grateful that I went to the movie theater to experience this Disney movie.

I know there are a lot of people in the world who have serious issues with Disney movies, the parks, and anything else related to the magic of the mouse. I am not one of those people. I do not see the stereotypes, the negative influences, and the horror that is a dancing snowman. I don't disagree that there is room for different types of princesses, and maybe a few more princes; but that's not what this post is about.

This afternoon I sat between my niece and nephew and spent an equal amount of time watching their reactions to the movie as I did the actual screen. I loved laughing with them and singing along to a few of the songs. My nephew found Olaf and Sven to be hysterical, and Chyanne loved Princess Elsa. (I, on the other hand, prefer Princess Anna.) It was nice to watch a movie that had a guaranteed happy ending.

Someday I will sit with my own kids and watch the lion cub grow up, the mermaid sing about forks, and the town girl fall in love with a beast. It's easy to forget how comforting a movie can be; I'm grateful that I was reminded of that today.

Day 113: New Experiences

I am grateful that my friend Ashley and I went to a JustPaint Night in Marlborough.  I had so much fun and didn't stress about needing my picture to be perfect.  I think they both came out beautifully.  

Day 112: Just Plain Grateful

Some days are just great, and it's hard to pick out one thing specifically to be grateful for, so here a few things.

1) Beautiful Weather
2) Visiting the Zoo
3) Spending the Day with Chyanne, Dakota, Jack, and Tia
4) Having Time to Sit and Talk with my Mom
5) Spending Time with my sister-in-law, Tanasi
6) Watching Pure Joy when Tia saw the Animals
7) Picking Up my New Favorite Drink 
8) Sitting Outside with Ollivander, Feeling a Beautiful Breeze, Drinking my Favorite Drink , and Reading a New Book
9) Doing All of the Things listed in #8 while Justin Cooked      Dinner on the Grill
10) Finishing Up the Night Watching "HIMYM" with Justin

Day 111: 1st Step

Today I made a phone call to a potential mortgage broker. Justin and I talked to him about what we're looking for, or equity, and ask that fun stuff that comes up when buying a house. We're scheduled to meet with him on Saturday. I also put together the first box and even started packing. 

I'm grateful for the first step towards our new home. 

Day 110: Holidays

I am grateful for holidays that bring my family together.  We all have such hectic lives, and while that is not an excuse, sometimes too much time passes between seeing each other. Holidays, like Easter, call us all to our childhood home. We sit for our meal and inevitably tell the same stories, share countless laughs, and be in each other's company. I love my family and I'm grateful for any opportunitythat brings us together at the dinner table. 

Day 109: My "Extended" Family

I am so grateful for the family I gained when I married Justin. My in-laws are wonderful people. We spent most of today celebrating Easter in Easthampton. This means lots of food, more laughing, hugs, card games, and quality time. I lucked out when I gained a mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in- law, three sister-in-laws, and two nieces. Along the way I gained two more brother-in-laws, and a nephew.  

I am grateful to my parents-in-law for raising the amazing man I married, and welcoming into the family from the start. My brother-in-law, Chris, has given me a glimpse into my future, as he and Justin are similar in so many ways. Amy, Sarah, and Lena have become the sisters I never had, and they gave me the added bonus of Josh and Kevin. I love my nieces, Brittany and Rachel, and  my nephew, Logan, more than I thought possible. 

It's an amazing feeling to have two families that are full of love. I am grateful for The Browns. 

Day 108: VACATION

I am so very grateful that I am officially on vacation for the next 9 days. I need this time off more than ever. But don't worry, I won't stop blogging! ;)

Day 107: 10 Years Later

I am grateful that 10 years ago today I was in the exact place I needed to be; I met the man who would eventually become my best friend, my husband, and my dream come true. 

Happy 10 years of knowing you and loving you. 

Day 106: Literally, Dirty Water

Tonight I am grateful for the contractor in Milford that broke the water main at Milford Regional Medical Center.  Because of the broken water main, our water at home started turning a nasty orange/brown color right about the time I started cooking dinner.  It grossed me out so much that Justin and I decided to go out to eat.  While I was looking up ideas for places to go I remembered that the movie Heaven is For Real came out today.  Justin and I ended getting food at Five Guys (which is one of my favorite places) and going to the movies.



I am grateful for the contractor who inadvertently gave me and my husband an impromptu night out.  I hope my good vibes get set out to him and he realizes the positive that came out of the situation.





I couldn't find a music video that showed just this song and its lyrics, so this is the closest I could share.  This music was beautiful and complemented the movie so perfectly. 

Day 105: Boston, You're My Home

Along with other people across the country, my heart was in Boston today.  I started my morning driving across the starting line for the marathon and I thought of Barack Obama's address to the nation.  His speech was moving and personal.  It called to mind the strength of the city and the nation.  He said, 

"And this time next year, on the third Monday in April, the world will return to this great American city to run harder than ever and to cheer even louder for that 118th Boston Marathon."

I truly cannot believe it has already been a full year since our city was attacked.  I say, our city, because Boston really is a place that once you've spent some time there, it becomes a part of you.  No, I was not born in Boston and do not currently live there; but I am from Boston in so many ways. I grew up on the Northshore, so going into Boston for a day trip was always a possibility.  That big green bridge that crossed the dirty water and welcomed me into the noisy, beautiful place has been a part of my life since I can remember.  I spent my college years in Fenway.  I could walk to downtown, Fenway Park, Chinatown, and jump on the T to pretty much anywhere else.  I loved the years I spent in Boston.  I celebrated the 2004 World Series on streets. Boston became a part of me and took hold of my heart.  

A year ago I was watching the marathon from my living room in Milford. I was thinking about how I had never actually watched the marathon, despite living so close to it's route for over 5 years.  I stopped watching around 1:00 and started cleaning.  It was a beautiful day and I had all the windows open.  My Mom called me sometime that afternoon and asked if I was watching the coverage.  She said something had happened, but she wasn't sure what.  I turned my attention back to the television.  

For the next week I allowed myself to be immersed in the media's coverage of the attacks, the suspects, the victims, and the manhunt.  I got myself worked up, allowed myself to grieve, and found a way to continue on with my week of vacation.  Over the course of the week I learned about those who were killed, including a beautiful little boy who only hoped for peace.  It was devastating. It was heartbreaking. Our city had been tarnished. We had been attacked.

The few weeks that followed there was an overwhelming sense of hope for our beautiful city.  Cities across the nation took out full page news articles showing their support. People from all over the world shared photos online with words of encouragement.  Celebrities shared their memories and love for Boston.  The president of our country came to Boston and shared some of the most beautiful words.  It became clear very quickly that terrorists could not hold the city of Boston down.  

A DJ on the radio this morning said the bombings in Boston proves how illogical it is to attack our city.  Yes, the tragedy that struck a year ago brought us to our knees.  People are still suffering physically and emotionally; but we are standing again.  It didn't take long for the city of Boston to show the world that two men cannot hurt us for long.  They cannot stop us from running.  The race will be finished.  Our amazing city will run together and cross the finish line.  

I am grateful to be from Boston.  

These are a few links to some of my favorite moments/speeches/photos etc.

http://youtu.be/vguxffX1ftg

http://vimeo.com/90571041

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2310402/Stephen-Colbert-pays-tribute-Boston-touching-monologue-marathon-bombings.html

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tasneemnashrulla/xx-inspiring-messages-from-the-boston-marathon-survivors-to

http://m.mlb.com/video/v26431535/?c_id=bos&v=3&tcid=fb_video_26431535Red Sox Tribute   

Day 104: The Right Combination

I am grateful for Advil Migraine, Sudafed Severe Relief, and Zicam. I'm hoping this will make me feel better, so I can ignore the "I'm getting sick just before vacation" feeling. 

Day 103: I didn't fall asleep

I am grateful that I did not fall asleep on the way home from Easthampton. I need a good night's sleep to be ready for my last work week before vacation. 

Ps. I am also grateful for Jess, Becky, and Sarah (and Theo)! 

Day 102: Nothing

Tonight I am grateful for nothing.  Yup, absolutely nothing.  

I am grateful that I did nothing today, and enjoyed myself. I am grateful that even though Justin wasn't home at all today, I didn't have a single thought of being alone and having nothing to do. I am grateful that in my whole day of "nothingness," I didn't allow myself to feel bad about not really accomplishing much.  I am grateful that I had nothing to feel anxious about. 

It's amazing how one can be grateful for nothing, and nothing can feel so huge.  

Day 101: Mulch

Today I am grateful for the smells that bring back memories.

I got to a daycare about 20 minutes before my last visit this afternoon, so I decided to park in the back of the lot and enjoy the weather.  I pulled in between two other cars, rolled down the windows, and started reading. Almost immediately I was hit with the smell of mulch, and along with it a flood of memories.  This happens each spring, and somehow I always forget about the smell of mulch and how powerful it is for me.  

From as far back as I remember my Dad would have a friend of his deliver a HUGE pile of mulch to our neighbors driveway.  He would spend the weekend shoveling it and dispersing it between our lawn and our neighbor's lawn.  The smell of mulch calls to mind the many spring days I spent "helping" my Dad push the mulch around.  He would shovel a big pile under a tree and tell me to spread it around.  My hands would end up turning red, and the smell would be stuck in my nose for days.  It probably ended up taking him more time to let me "help" than it would have for him to send me away and do it himself.  But my Dad always let me help. 

I'm grateful that the smell of mulch can bring back such a strong, sweet memory.  

Day 100: Siblings

So apparently, April 10th is National Sibling Day.  I haven't checked yet, but I'm guessing my Facebook feed is filled with pictures of everyone's brothers, sisters, half-siblings, and step-siblings. Here is my contribution to the day:

I am grateful for my three older brothers: John, Michael, and Matthew; and here's why...

John is my oldest brother, at 12 years my senior. John never let people forget about me even though I was his “baby sister."  I was his second biggest fan at all of his baseball games (my Mom of course was his first), and his side-kick at Color Day his senior year.  When I won a contest in elementary school and had to choose someone to come with me to celebrate at lunch time I was so proud to have my big brother with me.

He would sneak me out of punishments, and let me fall asleep in bed with him when I had bad dreams.  As adults we share a passion for reading and writing; he probably spent hours editing my high school English papers.  He called me a few nights before Mike's wedding to read his 6-page long best man speech (some parts of it were read twice).  He valued my opinion.  When we get together now the topic of books always come up.  I still haven't read A People's History of the United States, and I'm sure he'll remind me the next time I ask him for a recommendation. 


Michael is my second oldest brother – a decade older than me.  He can make me cry when I laugh and I love him for that.  Mike is the heart and soul of our family, whether he believes it to be true or not.  He can listen and give advice without ever making you feel that you should have known

better.  Mike was the one who spent Monday nights watching Seventh Heaven with me.  I learned the words to Blur's Song 2 in his huge white truck driving down Main Street in Saugus. He reassured me that getting a C+ in Math was not the worst grade any of us kids had brought home to Mom and Dad on a report card.  Michael was always the one I called to talk to when I wasn't feel good.  He could cheer me up even when he was miles away.  When he found out my first boyfriend had broken up with me, he came from work with a copy of Dating for Dummys.  He always had a way to make a bad situation not so bleak. Mike works for the Federal Government now, and I just recently learned what his actual job title is; not that that really cleared up what he actually does for a living.  He works so hard every day to make sure we are all living a safer life, and I am so proud of him. 

Matthew had been the baby of the family before I was born.  He had 8 years to relish in the youngest child spot.  Matt likes to remind me that my childhood bedroom should have been, and would have been, his playroom.  When I was a kid we did not get along – our personalities too similar and our tempers too short.  We did have our moments though; he

taught me to ski on the "big hill" behind the church, and he created an imaginary town in our back yard for me and my friends to play in.  He took me to get my learner's permit and tried teaching me to drive his truck. Matt is one of the hardest working people I know.  I hardly remember a time growing up that he wasn’t working – and this work ethic has continued into adulthood.  In the past 5 years our relationship has become something I really appreciate.  We’ve, for the most part, figured out how to put our personality conflicts aside, and he has helped me get through one of the toughest times in my life.  People used to tell me that even though we couldn’t stand each other as children, one day we would become friends.  I’m glad that has proven true.  

My brothers are a huge part of my life.  I am who I am, in part, because of their influence on me growing up.  They have always shown me unconditional love, and I am grateful that through the years our relationships have evolved and remain strong.  They are three of my favorite people, three of my best friends, and the three best big brothers a girl could ask for. 

Day 99: Connecting

I am still amazed at the people who've reached out to me over the past few days. This blog has provided opportunities for other people to share their struggles and their successes.  I am so grateful for the connections that have been made through this blog. 

Day 98: Happiness

I am grateful to be going to bed happy.  I worked a long day, but at the end of it I was still in a good place.  I've been over-analyzing a lot of my feelings lately, and the past two days I've been accepting my happiness and contentment for what it is.  Tonight I am going to bed happy.  That's something to be grateful for! 

Day 97: Response

I am grateful for a lot of things today.  My first visit wasn't until 10:30 today, and it was followed by two great home visits.  I won tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert in June.  And I ended my night with drinks and dinner with some really fun work ladies! :)  

But, what I am most grateful for is the amazing response to yesterday's post.  It's been commented on both via the internet and in person.  People have shared similar experiences and given me invaluable wisdom.  I am continually amazed by the community that has gathered around me as I continue with this blog each and every night.  I am grateful for all of you.    

Day 96: The "I" Word

I had an amazing day today. I spent the majority of it with my niece, Tia. Her big brother Jack had his first martial arts competition, so I drove up to Merrimac at 7:30 this morning to hang out with the silliest, smartest, most adorable 3 1/2 year-old around! 

We had a busy morning: playing with her animals, making a mess with "ghost mud", downloading Peppa Pig games, swinging, sliding, playing tag and hide-and-go seek, taking a bike ride around the block. It amazed me, as it does every time I see her, how grown-up she is! I don't mean that in a "grown-up too soon" kind of way; she absolutely has the sense of humor of a toddler; instead, I was struck by the actual conversations we had and her incredible imagination. I had so much fun. 

While it would be easy for me to be grateful for the time I spent with Tia today; and don't get me wrong I am very grateful for those hours this morning; what I am grateful for is the feeling of content I had watching her play, chatting with her about her friends, listening to her pout about having to clean-up, and putting her down for a nap. 

Time for some honest emotion sharing: There were times in the past that I would be playing with this beautiful little girl, and I would feel hopeless.  I can vividly remember sitting with her looking up Disney princess videos on YouTube and fighting away this ache in my heart.  I was sad.  It didn't take me very long to realize where this sadness was coming from; I wanted a child. 

Tia was born about 10 months after Justin and I got married. We always said we wanted to marry young so we could have kids right away.  Obviously, things didn't work out that way. 

I've had "girl-issues" for a long time, and it's something I always thought about in the back of my mind every time the topic of having children came up.  I had a feeling, probably that women's intuition people always talk about, that I was not going to get pregnant on my own.  I always knew, in my heart, that I was going to need some time of medical help.  I just never realized what that journey was going to look like, and more importantly what the journey was going to mean for Justin and myself.  

The physical impact infertility takes on a person is indescribable. The tests, the procedures, the blood work, the meds - it really kicks the crap out of your whole body.  I won't go into details about my personal treatment, but trust me when I say it's the worst thing I've dealt with so far in my life. The emotional toll is a whole different beast. Not only do the hormones you're taking create a tornado of emotions  (I vividly remember crying because the Christmas Tree was horrible, then 5 minutes later telling Justin how beautiful it was) but the complete upheaval of your day-to-day life creates a tremendous amount of stress.  And it's not just the woman dealing with all of this.  I won't put words into Justin's mouth, but I'm almost positive he was as stressed and as ready to be done with this whole thing as soon as I was. Our relationship took a hit.  

We "took a break" from everything after our third failed procedure. We needed to regroup, reconnect, and just take time to breathe.  It was during these treatments and this "break" that I noticed how difficult it was for me to be around my niece. That ache in my heart was overpowering.  And it wasn't just my niece.  I spend my days working with babies and toddlers, so there were just as many times at work that I would leave a house and feel completely drained; not from the actual visit, but from the ache.  I just wanted to be a Mom.  It started to feel like it was never going to happen. 

I started questioning why I had to deal with infertility.  Why anyone has to deal with it.  It just didn't seem fair, and I will admit to getting angry on more than a few occasions.  In my searches through the hundreds of infertility blogs online I came across a poem titled, "Why God Gave Me Infertility."  I'll share with you:

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

author unknown           

I read this poem, saved it in a folder, and carried on with my life.  Today, during my hours with Tia I thought back to the words this unknown author shared with the world -   

"Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own."   

I will be a mother someday.  And Justin will be an amazing father.  It's what I was put on this earth to do.  To bring a new life into the world, and love that little person with my entire heart and soul.  I don't know when it will happen, but it will. There is, finally, not a doubt in my mind.  And for that I am going to bed with a grateful heart.  

Day 95: Learning About Myself

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting lately. Reflecting on my childhood, my early school years, high school, decisions I have made, friendships, relationships, etc. It can be exhausting sometimes, but I have learned a great deal about why I am the way I am. The good, the not-so-good, and everything in between. I struggle with over-thinking situations and second guessing every little thing. Today I was given some piece of mind.

I met with a women who was able to reaffirm that my recent struggles are all part of my life's greater journey. I am grateful for the new information this woman shared with me, and for everything I have learned about myself in the past few months. It's not always easy to accept where you are in life, but I am growing more confident that I am exactly where's I should be.

Day 94: Migraine Gone, No Ear Infection

I'm so grateful that I did not wake up with a migraine. I am equally grateful that the pain in my ear is not another ear infection. Things are looking up! 

Day 93: Not Monday

I've been confused all week. I woke up Monday and thought it was Saturday. I spent most of today thinking it was Wednesday. Tonight, I'm just grateful that it isn't Monday. 

Day 92: The Days Are Longer

I am grateful that my drive home from work was complimented by a beautiful blue sky, windows rolled down, and great music on the radio. I don't think there's a better way to end a day. 

Day 91: Day Over

I'm grateful this 12-hour work day is over, and Justin is on his way home. Short, sweet, and to the point tonight.