Day 5: Religion with a lower case "r"

Hopefully the title of today's post didn't steer anyone away, but I guess if it did they were not meant to read it this evening.  Maybe someday, or maybe never at all; either way is fine really.  I started getting all worked up about how many people were reading this thing, and I forgot the real reason for writing.  For me, and anyone else who wants to join me.  Anyways, back to the religion.


I put the word religion in italics because it brings up so many different emotions for every single individual.  What I am grateful for today is not Religion, with the capital R; but instead religion - spirituality, community, music, words, and faith.  Religion is something I have struggled with for years, especially in the past few.  I was raised Catholic by my Protestant mother, and she did an amazing job of introducing me to religion.  By the time I was six-years-old I could recite all the books of the bible - thank you Wee Sing Bible Songs - and I even did a reading at Mass just before my First Communion.  I didn't return to CCD after my First Communion and I spent most of my middle and high school years playing the very convincing role of Atheist.  What I was actually doing was telling people I didn't believe in God, getting mad at people who put all their faith in the church, and breaking up with a boyfriend who I deemed, "too religious."  

I am lucky that in my adult life I have been introduced to some of the most faithful people, most through my husband (who I will eventually be grateful for at some point this year).  Through Justin I made my way back to the Catholic Church and received my Confirmation during college.  It's something that I am very proud of, and even more so that I took my grandmother's name as my own during that service.  The running joke in my family is that my Nana is now sitting up there at those pearly gates making the decisions about other people's entry - of course, she would be letting everyone in because my Nana believed, above all else, that people deserved forgiveness and compassion.  As I began to develop my own sense of religion I often thought about my Nana and hoped that I would one day be as close to my faith as she was to hers.

In the past few years I have had the ultimate highs and lows of my religious life thus far.  I have lived through the acceptance of my anxiety and depression, faced the reality of infertility, and grieved for my father.  I won't go into details because I believe everyone has events in their lives that they can equate to my own.  Situations that make you question everything you believe in - whether it is God, another higher power, whatever occupies that compartment in your brain labelled "faith."  My faith has been shaken more in the past 3 1/2 years then I thought possible.  

On the flip side - as I mentioned before, I have been given the amazing blessing of being introduced to an amazing group of people, most of whom have a strong sense of faith, community, and their religion.  I started helping my husband and our friends put together a retreat once a year in western, MA.  The retreat is geared towards Catholic teens and young adults.  Those weekends have been the highest point in my faith life.  It brought me closer to my friends, and closer to my own faith.  The person who deserves the biggest standing ovation when it comes to me and my religion is Justin.  He has allowed me to grow in my own way, and he has answered more questions than most CCD teachers.   

Taking all of this into consideration, I was sitting at church tonight and realized how grateful I am to have religion as part of my life.  I am by no means the perfect Catholic.  There are weekends I don't attend Mass, and I haven't been to confession in a very long time; but I'm not sure that's what it's all about.  My religion is based on the teachings of the Catholic Church, but it more than that.  My religion is a sense of community - the many amazing people I have met and grown closer to through my faith.  My religion is my anchor.  Religion has helped me deal with, and continue to deal with, all of those low points I mentioned before.  Religion is the feeling I get sitting in church listening to the music play and the choir sing a familiar song.  It is the feeling of comfort and familiarity.  Maybe that isn't what a Catholic should believe their religion to be, but I think my Nana would be proud of me.