Day 59: Dinner with an Old Friend

Tonight I had dinner with a friend I've known since I was 6-years-old. In the past few years we've gotten back in touch and I'm so thankful for that. She and I have many similarities, and it's nice to talk to someone about your stress, anxiety, and life in general, and know they really get it. Dinner was great tonight. We sat at Lomghorm for 3 hours taking. Such an amazing night of laughing, therapy, and friendship. I am so grateful to have ended my very long work week with a great dinner and an even better friend. 
Thanks Adrienne!! 

Day 58: Jeopardy

Tonight Justin and I watched Jeopardy together for the 4th night in a row. I can't remember how long ago we started this, but it's become part of our nightly routine. No matter what we're doing we usually stop to watch together. 
I'm grateful for Jeopardy. 

Day 57: Interns

Today I had 6 visits, back-to-back. It could have been a long day, but I was lucky to have one of the interns at our office come with me today. I think I've said before that my job can be very isolating, so it was nice to have someone talk to between visits. So, I am grateful for Veronica having come with me today and making the day go by a bit faster.

Day 56: There's No Place Like Home

Today I am grateful that my mom now officially owns the house my brothers and I grew up in. My parents always dreamed of owning their own home, and today that dream came true. I know my Dad is just as proud of my Mom as I am, and he's probably celebrating tonight too! 

Day 55: Leftovers

I am grateful for leftovers. Justin and I had a busy weekend, and tonight neither of us wanted to put too much thought into dinner. Leftover lasagna cups cooked in about twenty minutes and dinner was served. Yum!

Day 54: Good Examples

This morning Justin and I, and his brother and sisters (and their spouses), and our nieces and nephews, met at the 8:30 am church service in Easthampton.  His Dad had asked us all to be there, and had arranged for the priest to renew his wedding vows with Justin's Mom.  They celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary today.  

It was really beautiful to see two people who have been together for so long, stand in front of their family and say the same words they said to each other 40 years ago.  I was blessed to become a part of this family when Justin and I got married 4 1/2 years ago.  We had obviously been together for years before that so I've had 9 1/2 years to watch Justin's parents interact with each other and with their family and friends.  They have relationships with people that have been built on love.  Watching them over the past years has proven to be a great example of how to make a marriage work.  

Watching Tom and Diane renew their vows made me think of my own parents.  They never had a chance to celebrate 40 years together, but in the time they did share I learned more about love, relationships, and marriage than I realized.  

My parents met when they were teenagers working at Stop 'N Shop.  My mom told me she thought my Dad was so cute, and loved his sense of humor.  Good thing, because that sense of humor never faded!  They were married young, in their early twenties, and had 3 boys in the next five years.  I was born about 10 years later.  Growing up my parents relationship was something I always took for granted.  My Mom was home during the day and took me to practices, and my Dad would work from very early in the morning until he came home for supper. I had dinner with both of my parents almost every night.  Some of my favorite memories of my Mom and Dad come from nights sitting at the table.    

Special occasions were my Dad's specialty.  I remember the year my Mom came downstairs and my Dad had taped the words Happy Valentine's Day, Love Me on the ceiling fan in the kitchen.  He thought it was brilliant, it made my mom smile so I guess he was right. There was a Mother's Day that he paid for me and my Mom to spend a night in New York City and see one of her favorite shows.  For her birthday/Christmas in 2006 my Dad bought my Mom a puppy because he knew she was going to be sad when I didn't move home after college.  My Dad was never overly or outwardly romantic, at least not that I can remember; but he did have his moments and a very special way of showing his love for my Mom.  

My mom showed her love for my Dad in other ways.  She knew that he didn't like any of his food touching on the dinner plate, so she made sure to give him a bowl when things might get mixed together.  She bought him new socks before he even knew he needed them.  My Mom always tried hard to think of presents for my Dad that he wanted, not needed.  I think her ultimate display of love was dealing with his crazy sense of humor day in and day out.  She always smiled at his crazy stories and laughed at his funny (most of the time) jokes.  

I'm sure my Mom and Dad had their moments of frustration and I know they didn't always agree.  There must have been some yelling or silence between the two of them, but I can't recall a single instance.  My parents taught me that arguing was something to be done when the kids were not around.  I remember my Mom telling me once that nothing was so important to be mad at someone you love for very long.   

I think back to all of these moments and I get an overwhelming feeling of love. I am so fortunate to have grown up in house with two parents who loved each other very much.    

My parents and Justin's parents have been wonderful models of how to have a lasting marriage.  It takes hard work, lots of laughter, support of family and friends, and love. Someday in the next 40 years, I hope to pass along all of these lessons to my own children. Tonight I am grateful for the amazing examples of marriage that Justin and I were blessed to have throughout our lives.       

Day 53: Strength in Numbers

Today was a difficult day. A memorial service for a coworker, a friend, taken much to soon.  Several friends came to my house prior to the service and we drove to the church together. We sat in the pews, listened to beautiful words spoken by family and friends, and passed a tissue box between us. After the memorial we drove back to my house together. We had food and shared stories; we shared hugs, smiles, and laughs. 

Today was a hard day to experience. What made it slightly less difficult was the strength I found in the others around me. I never truly understood the phrase, "strength in numbers" until today. And I am grateful to have experienced the power of those words. 

Day 52: Last Visits

Today I had a last visit with a little boy who is turning 3. I've been working with him and his family for over 2 years. This little guy has found a special place in my heart. Today when I showed up to his house I was greeted with a huge smile and his adorable voice saying, "Kelly here!" Our last visit was fun, as most of my recent visits have been, and then it came time to say, "Goodbye."  

Saying goodbye is the worst part of my job. We usually spend at least 18 months to 2 years with a family. In that time we build relationships and in many ways become part of their weekly routine. We celebrate milestones like rolling, crawling, walking, talking, making eye contact, a day without tantrums, the first night spent in their own beds, making it on to the growth charts, no more bottles, no more diapers; the big things and the little things, and we are lucky enough to be a part of it all. 

As hard as goodbye visits are, it's amazing to see the changes and growth; not only in the child, but also in the family. After a very long, stressful week this last visit was a powerful reminder of why I do what I do. The paperwork is ridiculous, the stress is sometimes overwhelming, and some of the situations we encounter are heartbreaking; but tonight I was reminded of the impact we can make and the relationships we develop. 

Tonight I am grateful for goodbye visits. 

Day 51: Day 51 is Over!

Even though I did it to myself, an 11 hour work day was not what I needed this week. 4 Home Visits, a Drop-Off Group, and an Evaluation.  I am so grateful to be home right now.    

Day 50: Tylenol

Justin is doing so much work to get our house ready for potential realtors to walk through. In just a few hours he has cut and nailed in almost all of the baseboard and door molding downstairs. He has been hammering away off and on for about 2 hours.  

Tonight I am grateful for Tylenol.  :) 

Day 49: Flexibility

Today I am grateful to have a flexible job. I can make my own schedule, which meant I was home before the weather got bad. I also have people who understand my distaste for driving in the snow, so thanks to Wendi and Vanessa for allowing me to bail on our evaluation. I'll write the next few reports!!  

Day 48: Chyanne Marie

Dear Chy,

14 years ago I became an Aunt for the first time when you were born.  I can't believe you're 14, and I really can't believe we had a conversation on Facebook this morning.  I love getting your text messages and emails too! Please excuse the cliche, but I can't believe how fast you're growing up!

I remember always wanting to hold you when you first born. I think I was scared at first, but eventually I just couldn't stand when other people had to take their turns feeding you and rocking you to sleep.  You had the biggest smile and the best laugh; but you could also scream.  Loud!  I remember "sneaking" you into school with me for my senior year color day.  I had taken you to the mall the day before and bought a red and white outfit.  Of course, you had to approve of it, even at 2 1/2 years old.  

I've loved watching you grow up, especially over the past few years.  Hearing about your friends, the things you're learning in school, and your favorite music and books has been so much fun.  I love that the older you get the more things we both like - Harry Potter, Taylor Swift, The Hunger Games!!  I can't wait to take you to another concert someday.    

Chyanne you are beautiful, funny, and spirited.  I love that you have an opinion on things, and that you are brave enough to usually tell people what that opinion is.  Stay brave. You have such a creative mind.  I've loved hearing your ideas for fashion designs and stories.  Don't stop creating.  Chyanne, I love you so much and I wish I could have been with you today to celebrate the start of your 14th year.  I know it's going to be amazing!!  


Happy Birthday Chy!
      - Love Auntie

ps. I apologize for the adorable pictures I'm including in this post!!  

    

Day 47: Open My Eyes

Today was a 50/50 kind of day. We had our 2nd meeting for the I ACT retreat.  It was fun to see some of our friends and start planning one of the best weekends I look forward to each year. On the way home from the meeting I started feeling crappy. I didn't know why, but my stomach didn't feel good and my head was starting to hurt. I recognized my anxiety was building, but I couldn't figure out its source. Justin was great at talking me through it, and I felt a little better about half way to Milford.  

When we got home I was exhausted and went right upstairs to put on sweatpants.  I still had a headache and my throat felt scratchy. I was ready to curl up on the couch, watch the Olympics, and maybe do a puzzle.  When I went back downstairs Justin reminded me that we had planned to go to church at 6:00. Honestly, my first reaction was "Nope. Not happening." But, I got dressed again and we headed to St. Matthew's.  

Since Justin and I have lived together we never really had a specific church that we belonged to, except the church in Easthampton.  St. Matthew's is a Catholic church in Southborough that we found while living in Ashland. The church is small and always crowded. It has a great community feel. The priest is wonderful. He is down-to-earth and very relatable. 

One of the first things I do before every mass is look at what songs we will be singing. I didn't recognize any tonight, so I flipped the pages to today's readings. About half way through mass the guitarist announced the song, "Open My Eyes." I looked at Justin, smiled, and said, "my Open My Eyes?"  This simple song has been one of my favorites since I went back to church in college, and it always seems to be sung on the nights I am reluctant to go to church. It has a very special meaning to me, and tonight it turned my day around. I am going to bed smiling.

I am grateful for the beautiful song and the way in which it has strengthened my relationship with God. 

Day 46: Western MA

I'm posting a little earlier than usual because Justin and I are headed out to Western, MA for the night and most of tomorrow.  There is no wireless connection at his parents' house, so this is just easier.

I grew up on the North Shore, about 15 minutes outside of Boston.  I grew up thinking the South Shore was Cape Cod, and Western, MA was anything close to Worcester.  So did just about everyone else I grew up with, so I don't feel too bad about my generalizing.  My first introduction to "real" Western, MA came from my college roommate.  She was from Easthampton, which I had never heard of, and she was proud to be from Easthampton.  We made a few trips down the Pike, and I learned very quickly that Worcester is not Western, MA.  Once you hit Worcester on the Pike there is a lot more driving to do.  

I met my husband through this same friend, and he too comes from Easthampton.  It was really through him, and the many trips out there to visit family and friends, that I learned to love Western, MA.  One of our first weekends together, Justin took me to some very cool places.  He showed me a bunch of waterfalls - one of which makes a very cool slide, a fire tower that you can see at least 4 states from at the very top, and a llama farm (I know these exist in other places, but I was very excited as I love llamas and had never seen a farm of llamas). I knew he was also proud to be from this area of Massachusetts.  

The best part of Western, MA are the people.  Justin grew up with a group of friends that are still close to this day. I started out being insanely intimidated by these people.  They had inside jokes, history, and a way of acting around each other that I never thought I'd be able to fit into. In retrospect I know most of my fear came from my anxiety; but still, walking into a room of 10+ people who have known each other for years is overwhelming. In the past 10 years, I have had the amazing opportunity to get to know these wonderful people.  I am happy that I can call them my friends, and Justin and I refer to them as our friends now.   

I have fallen in love with the Western part of Massachusetts. I love the little towns and their general stores.  I love the community feeling at church festivals.  I can't get enough of the quiet, slower lifestyle.  Don't get me wrong, I'm don't think of Western, MA as Green Acres.  I know there are more rural parts of the world, and probably even Massachusetts. But recently, I was forced to slow down and re-evaluate my lifestyle.  I was given the chance to take a break from everything and look at how I was living my life.  I was shocked at how quickly things were flying by me.  I needed somewhere that I felt less rushed.  A place that Justin and I felt connected to.  

I am grateful that I was driven into Western, MA by my college roommate some 10 years ago.  I am grateful that Justin and I will soon be able to call it our home.  I am grateful that it already feels that way.   

Day 45: February 14th

I am grateful for love.

Day 44: Driving in the Snow

I tend to become very anxious when driving in bad weather. My mom is the same way, or maybe I am the same as my mom. Either way, I don't drive when it's raining really hard or when there's a chance for a lot of snow. 

Today the forecast called for snow, and a quick accumulation between 11 & 1. My job does not close down on "snow days", so at 1:00 I found  myself driving home. The roads were awful, and half way between Holliston and Milford my driver's side windshield wiper broke.  And yet, I did not panic. I drove slowly, in mostly 2nd gear, through Milford to my driveway. I skidded a few times and almost wasn't able to stop at a red light, but I kept my cool and made it home safely.  

I am grateful that I allowed myself the opportunity to drive in the snow.  Normally, I would  have cancelled my visits and sat at home watching the snow pile up outside the window. Today, I did not let my anxiety make a decision for me. I drove in a snow storm, and while I do not plan to make this a regular occurrence, I am proud of this accomplishment.  

Day 43: Doggie Daycare

Yes, some people laugh when I tell them Ollivander attends doggie daycare.  Yes, some people think I'm crazy when I tell them that Ollivander knows the mornings he gets to go there. Ollie loves doggie daycare.  

From the time Ollie was a puppy it was clear that he needed an outlet, beyond what Justin and I could give him, to get out some of his energy.  We started taking him to Lucky Dogs Daycare in Milford.  Initially he was going there just about everyday.  This place saved us more times than I can count! They keep him busy and wear him out by the end of the day.  

Tonight I picked Ollivander up from his first day at daycare in over 2 weeks!  He's gotten much better at staying home, and seems to manage with the energy he gets out with Justin and I during the morning and after work.  Today was a special day because Justin and I both had an appointment later in the evening, and we never leave Ollie home past a certain number of hours.  While at daycare today, Ollie also got groomed.  Yes, that's right.  Not only do these wonderful people love and care for my dog, they also take on the challenge of getting a 70lb. furry dog wet!  When I went to pick him up the owner of Lucky Dogs was there sweeping up the floors.  She talked to me for a bit about our decision to medicate Ollie, due to his incredibly high amount of anxiety. She let me know that there has been a marked difference in his behavior at daycare.  It was nice to know she was taking the time to actually think about Ollie specifically, and that she took time out of her evening to tell me about it.  

I understand that for people who do not have big dogs, or people who can be home during the day, that doggie daycare seems extreme.  I talk about it like it's an actual daycare for children.  But Justin and I love Ollivander and want to make sure he is taken care of when we can't be home.  

Tonight I am grateful for Lucky Dogs Daycare.  They are located on Sumner Street in Milford. So, if you're looking for a good place to drop your pup off for some love and also give him some time to work out some of his energy, this is the place!!  

The pictures below show how sleepy Ollie is after a full day at daycare!

Day 42: Mental Health Professionals

I am so grateful for those people who become mental health professionals.  Personal therapists, family therapists, child psychologists, general psychologists, grief counselors, school counselors, social workers, etc.

I have had my share of experiences with therapists; I am not ashamed in any way to admit that.  I have struggled for years and throughout that time I've sought out help from college counselors, social workers, therapists, and psychologists.  My college counselor is someone I will always be incredibly grateful for; she helped me recognize the things I was struggling with and identified specific issues I needed to deal with.  I went through several therapists for a few years after I graduated and finally found my current psychologist.  I am lucky that she serves as both a therapist and psychologist because I can work with her as needed, and she can also prescribe medication.  It sounds like that should be common, but most often people have to do "talk therapy" with one person and then meet their doctor once a month, or even less, to get their prescriptions.  It's a crazy system.  

My current psychologist, I will refer to her as Dr. B., has been amazing.  I've been working with her for at least 3 years and I've made a lot of progress.  At times I get frustrated with her, but that's okay, and it should happen from time to time.  I've become more comfortable telling her when I get upset and we've started working it out together.  Dr. B. has guided me through the loss of my father, difficult relationships, problems at work, dealing with my past, dealing with my present state-of-mind, and most recently the loss of a coworker.  She gives me advice and relays information to me in a very straight forward way that doesn't feel overwhelming, and when I get overwhelmed she gives me time to process.  In a way she has saved me from myself.  I am beyond grateful for Dr. B. 

Today at work a grief counselor came in for our staff meeting.  She assisted the staff who were present in talking about our emotions.  This woman was great.  She didn't do too much talking, but she kept everyone on track.  She brought people back to the reason for the meeting when they went off-topic.  She gave us the opportunity to express our thoughts and not feel judged.  This woman came to us and provided support.  She guided us through our emotions and validated our feelings.  It was a difficult 90 minutes to be a part of, mostly due to my own history and the experiences it was bringing to the forefront of my mind.  I almost didn't attend because I was afraid it would be too real and hit a little too close to home.  It ended up being both of those things, but I am glad I went.  I'm glad I experienced the warmth and compassion of a mental health professional who was performing a very difficult task.  She deals with this type of thing on a daily basis, and she chose this path of life.  I am grateful for her choice.  

There is a stigma in our society about mental health issues, and also with the people who deal with them.  I've heard these people called "shrinks," "head doctors," "crazy doctors," and a host of other names.  The list of words used to describe people with their own mental health issues is much longer.  I am not excluding myself from this behavior. I have used many of these words myself, and I continue to do so even though I struggle with this disease. It's easy to get caught up in the "norm."  But this post is not about calling for a change; it's to call attention to the amazing people who have dedicated their lives to helping others deal with tragedy, depression, anxiety, family struggles, fertility challenges, health issues, children's mental health, teen's mental health, and adult mental health. 

If you know someone who has chosen this difficult path in life, please take a minute to thank them for all they do.  It is in their nature to do their work without need for gratitude, but we should give it to them anyways. 
            

Day 41: A Warning

I am grateful for the woman who walked into my doctor's office before me. She let me know the sidewalk was covered in ice. I absolutely would have fallen on my butt. So grateful for the kindness of a stranger.

Day 40: 50 Years Ago Today

I am so incredibly grateful for The Beatles. I don't think I really need to explain this one, but just in case I do, here's why...


"I get by with a little help from my friends."

"We danced through the night, and we held each other tight. And before too long I fell in love with her."

"Love, love me do."

"Treasure these few words till we're together. Keep all my love forever."

"You'll never know how much I really love you."

"You know you twist little girl, you twist so fine."

"When I'm home everything seems to be right. When I'm home feeling you holding me tight."

"If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true?"

"Cause I don't care too much for money, and money can't buy me love."

"One day you'll find that I have gone, but tomorrow may rain. So I'll follow the sun."

"I need somebody. Not just anybody."

"Oh, I believe in yesterday."

"Doesn't have a point of view, knows not where he's going to. Isn't he a bit like you and me?"

"All the lonely people. Where do they all come from?"

"I wanna hold your hand."

"Gotta get you into my life."

"When your prized possessions start to wear you down, look in my direction, I'll be around."

"It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play."

"Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly. A girl with kaleidoscope eyes."

"Don't let down."

"Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were waiting for this moment to arise."

"Life goes on."

"You say you want a revolution."

"There are places I remember. Some have gone and some have changed."

"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun. And I say it's all right."

"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. For, well, you know that it's a fool who plays it cool, by making his world a little colder."

There are obviously too many to include, but I'll wrap it up with one of my favorites.

http://youtu.be/ajCYQL8ouqw

https://firstcovers.net/facebook-cover-1267.html

Day 39: Truck Day

http://espn.go.com/blog/boston/red-sox/post/_/id/34178/sox-truck-leaves-fenway-for-fort-myers

Today is a beautiful day in the city of Boston.  Yes, the sun was shining a little brighter and the wind wasn't howling; but that is not the reason for celebration.  Today, in Boston, is Truck Day.  It's the official beginning to the countdown until Opening Day.  The truck pulls up to Fenway Park, loads up, and makes it's way to Florida.  Today is a beautiful day.

With truck day comes the eagerness for spring time.  Days that are filled with warm sunshine, and nights filled with the voices of Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo.  Normally I don't mind the winter, and I can appreciate the snow; but this winter has run it's course in a number of ways and I am ready for spring. I'm ready for the start of a new season and the first pitch at Fenway Park.  It's almost time for baseball.  I can't wait. Today I am grateful for Truck Day 2014.    

Day 38: Good Night, Good Drinks, Good Friends

Tonight I am grateful for a night of laughing, drinks, and friendship. It's been a rough week, but a night like tonight was needed. Thanks Brandon and Jess.

Day 37: The Day the Cell Phone Got Left at Home

I left my cell phone at home today.  I realized it when I was just far enough away from home to make it ridiculous to drive all the way back and get it.  I was already running late anyways.  At first I thought I would learn to be grateful for a day without the constant connection, but I'm not sure I feel that way.  I think that's how I am suppose to feel, but I just can't wrap my head around being grateful for not having my phone.  

I use my cell phone throughout the day for my job.  I am constantly getting in touch with coworkers and families. Today was a pretty scheduled day, so I wasn't incredibly stressed about not having the ability to get in touch with people without making a drive to the office.  I did end up going into the office specifically to make a few phone calls, which I normally would have done on the road between visits.  I also had an evaluation today and had no idea where the house was located, so I needed the office computer to look up directions and print them out. Justin and I typically check-in once or twice during the day and I didn't want him stressed out because he hadn't heard from me and couldn't reach me.  I had to Google his work phone number because he doesn't get cell service at his building and I'm lucky to have his cell number memorized.  I drove to my last visit at 4:30 and when I arrived the family wasn't home.  This isn't a family that typically "no-shows" for visits, so I was surprised they hadn't gotten in touch with.  Then I realized, they probably had and the message would be waiting for me at home.  

By the time I got home I had 3 missed calls, 2 voicemails, 7 text messages, and 23 emails.  Not as many as I thought, but still enough to make me feel like I missed some important information.  The emails were mostly junk, so I guess nothing was lost there.  The text messages were mostly work related, but I responded when I got home and no one seemed perturbed by my lack of immediate response.  One text message was an update on a friend, and again, I responded just now and that was okay too.  The missed calls and voicemails were 50/50.  Two missed calls were work related, as was one voicemail - an explaination for why I showed up to an empty house.  Had I got the message earlier I would have known to go to a different address, but when I talked to the little boy's Mom she just apologized for not letting me know sooner, and we rescheduled for next week.  The second message was from Justin, just letting me know he was on his way home.  I knew that when we both pulled into the driveway at the same time.

Overall, I didn't miss out on too much information.  And I realize there was a time when people did my job without cell phones.  I also know that husbands and wives were not always able to check-in quickly with a text or quick conversation during the day.  But aren't we lucky to have that capability?  I like being able to let Justin know that I'm thinking about him with a quick text message, especially when he's stressed out or feeling sad.  I take comfort in knowing that if my Mom gets sick or something happens to a family member, I will know within minutes.  If my home phone stops working and there is an emergency I can call 911 from my cell phone.  These are all good things.  

Tonight I am grateful for the ability to be in touch with people at a moment's notice.  To call my Mom when I hear our favorite song, to check-in with friends who are going through a difficult time, to hear from families so I don't sit in their driveways for 15 minutes wasting gas, and to be able to say "I love you" whenever I want.         

Day 36: Neighbors

I stayed home from work today because of the snow.  Considering I was going to be driving all over the place, I thought it best to stay home wrapped up in a warm blanket and catch up on the piles of paperwork I needed to get done. Around 9:30 I heard a snow blower start up outside the house.  I assumed it was one of the neighbors and didn't think too much of it.  About 20 minutes later I heard the very specific sound of snow being thrown from a snow blower onto the side of my house.  Justin was at work so I was confused.  

I looked outside and one of our neighbors, Jack, was snow blowing our driveway and walkway.  He was actually using our snow blower which Justin told him to use whenever he needed it.  I went outside and started shoveling the stairs and brushing off my car and when Jack had a minute I thanked him for helping.  He told me he wanted to help because in past storms Justin has gone over to his driveway and done the same thing.  I was so appreciative of his kindness, and thanked him again as I was heading inside.  He laughed and said, "It all works out.  Look."  He pointed to his house across the street, where his neighbor was using his own snow blower to clear Jack's driveway.  A beautiful circle of neighbors helping neighbors.

I am grateful to have neighbors that are thoughtful and kind.  

Day 35: The Sun Comes Up

This morning I was driving to work and noticed how beautiful the trees looked with the coating of snow.  The sun was shining so brightly it made the branches look like they were sparkling.  I was grateful for the sun that rises each morning; this turned out to be more powerful than I thought it would be.

Things happen every day that cannot be explained.  There are tragedies and miracles that create a sense of wonder that often reminds me of how small I am in this infinite universe.  When the good things happen it's often easy to accept them and continue on with our day - the baby who emerges unharmed from the rubble of an earthquake, dogs who find their way home after tornadoes rip through a small town, a tree falls and narrowly misses the house with a family sitting down for dinner.  These are amazing tales that allow us to accept there is good in the world, and a renewed faith in miracles.

It becomes difficult to remember these moments of hope in the face of tragedy.  When two explosions shake the streets of Boston; when a child is killed in an accidental shooting; when an accident changes the course of a friend's life - miracles becomes harder to accept.  This is when I start to think about the "why?"  What purpose is there for tragedy in the world?  Why do bad things need to happen at all?  It's one of the most frustrating questions asked, because there is often never an answer.

We may never know why bad things happen.  We may never find out why things happened to us that caused pain and suffering.  I am trying to accept this.  I think sometimes I don't want to know why everything happens.  I want to put my faith in God and believe that he has a plan.  That is much easier to say and write than actually put into practice.  Of course I want to know why I lost my Dad so early in my life, and why I struggle with depression and anxiety, and why a family is currently attempting to cope with a devastating situation.  I will probably never know the answers to any of these questions.  I don't think anyone will be able to tell me why these things have happened.  It becomes overwhelming to think about all the things I don't have answers for - so I turn to the things I understand and can depend on.

I am grateful for things I can hold on to in times of confusion. The things that I know will happen each day.  The sun will rise and set each and every day.  The stars will shine at night. It's basic and simple, but when everything else in my life is a jumble of "why's" it's nice to have a few things that I don't have to question.  When I go to bed tonight I will have a lot of questions in my mind and many things weighing heavy on my heart, but I know that tomorrow morning the sun will shine. I am grateful that the sun will always come up the next day.     

Day 34: We Just Need To Look

There are a lot of people who read this blog that may be finding it difficult to think of something to be grateful for today.  It's certainly true for me.  I'm having a hard time writing this blog today; but these are the days I need to write.  Days that are harder to think positively are the days that everyone, including myself, needs a reminder that there are always things to be grateful for.  So where to begin??

I was having a hard time figuring out what to write about today, and how to phrase it.  So as a way to clear my head and stop over-thinking I switched gears and checked Facebook.  Usually I read through people's status updates quickly and stop for a second longer on pictures of cute kids and funny videos.  Tonight I actually took a piece of paper out and started writing down what people had posted about; and whether they know it or not, almost everyone on my Facebook Wall had something to be grateful for today. I won't "out" anyone directly, but here is the list of things I noticed in the 2 minutes I was scrolling through recent posts.

1. Football
2. Taking time to work on yourself
3. Making something out of nothing
4. Vacation
5. Blogs
6. Saving Money
7. Cuddling with blankets
8. Finding someone you love who loves what you love
9. Job
10. TV
11. Birthday wishes
12. Art
13. New Job
14. Special messages from people we love who are no longer with us
15. Food
16. Roommates
17. Commercials
18. Music
19. Spouses/Partners
20. Kids: getting their 1st Valentine, doing school work, not being sick anymore, performing at school assemblies

20 different things that people posted about, probably not realizing they are all things to be truly and deeply grateful for; yes, even TV and commercials.  If something brings you happiness and positive energy, then you should be grateful for it each and every day.  Regardless of what is going on in your life, if you look hard enough there is something there; something that makes you smile no matter what, someone who knows how to make you feel special when you feel horrible.  I include myself in the idea that everyone needs to just take a minute and look at our lives.  Even in most tragedies there is a glimmer of hope; even if it doesn't feel like it right away.  We need to look harder and more deeply for that glimmer all the time.  

Tonight I am grateful that I took the time to look harder.  

Day 33: Super Bowl

I am grateful for the Super Bowl. I love good commercials!! 

Day 32: Wait, it's not Day 1?

Today is February 1st.  Somewhere in Western, MA my friend John woke up and said "rabbit, rabbit" for good luck.  I woke up this morning and couldn't believe it was already February. The first month of 2014 flew by, as it usually does I suppose; but this time I was literally counting the days.  I have officially held my pseudo-New Year's Resolution for longer this year than any year before. I am so grateful that today marks my 32nd post.  With that I am also grateful for everyone who has given me feedback and support.  The idea for this blog came from a place of hopelessness and melancholy, and it has taken me higher than I thought it would.  It has provided me with little moments every day of peace and hope.  I have been forced to think positively for at least 10 minutes each day.  When I started the blog I assumed I'd make it past the first week, but I honestly didn't think it would have continued this long.  Thank you to everyone who has read a post, and thank you to those who have shared the posts, liked them, and commented on them.  

I am grateful that today is post #32, and not #1.  I am 32 days further from my past than I was at the beginning of the year.