Day 212: No Stress Yet

I am grateful that I have not stressed out about Justin's party yet. I'm including the "yet" because I will eventually, probably stress out. I'm proud that I haven't yet.

Day 211: Tom & Diane

Tonight I am grateful for the two people who blessed me with an amazing husband.  Mr. and Mrs. Brown (aka Tom and Diane) became parents 30 years ago today to their fifth and final child.  Justin was born into an already "full" family with three sisters and a brother waiting for him at home.  He grew up as the baby, just like me.

I am so grateful to Tom and Diane for raising their son to be a thoughtful, faithful, fun-loving, dependable, and loving man.  They raised their son to be the man I fell in love with; and I cannot be grateful enough to both of them. 

Day 210: One Clean Room

I was talking with people at work today about how awesome it feels when your house is clean. It makes it easier to go home at the end of a long day. Tonight I am grateful that my kitchen is reorganized and, mostly, clean! 

Day 209: Putting Up With The Rain

I'm a big fan of quotes.  I've always collected them, and use them to express myself when I can't find the right words.  I previously kept them in a book, now I mostly "pin" them online or save them to my email.  One of my favorites is:

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton

Rainbows have always had special meaning for me, but thunder storms also hold a special place in my heart.  Ever since I can remember, my Dad loved big storms.  He would sit on the front porch and watch the rain come pouring down. 

When I was little I'd sit with him. At first I think I was pretending to enjoy the storm; when in reality I just wanted to be close to my Dad during the thunder and lightening.  As I got older I loved sitting with him and just listening to the rain.  We wouldn't do much talking, but spending time with him during storms is one of my favorite memories.

The real reason I think my Dad liked storms, especially in the spring and summer, was the rainbows.  He had a tough exterior, but show him a rainbow and he was a little kid again.  

Since my Dad passed away I've been seeing a lot of rainbows. The best ones comes when there hasn't been any rain; just a clear blue sky and a big, bright rainbow.  I posted a picture of the first rainbow I saw this season in a previous post.

All day today the weather was crazy.  A tornado in Revere, flooding all over MetroWest, and tonight a quick, but powerful storm of rain, thunder, and lots of wind.  I stood on my front steps (I don't have a front porch), and I watched the rain.  I could hear it falling on the street, and I could smell the storm in the air.  I watched outside for about 15 minutes, and then went back inside.  Before I sat down I peeked out the window and saw the rainbow.  I knew it was coming.  It was beautiful.  In fact, it was a double rainbow. 

Tonight I'm grateful for my memories, for rainbows, and mostly importantly, for being taught from a very young age that you have to put up with the rain if you want to see the rainbow.

Day 208: Moments of Peace

The past few nights I've been having a hard time figuring out what to be grateful for; but not for a bad reason.  I've actually been feeling good.  I wouldn't say wonderful, but I would definitely say that I have felt at peace.  Feeling peaceful is not something I'm used to, and for that reason It often makes me uncomfortable when I can't pinpoint exactly how I feel.  I used to get frustrated because I didn't feel happy all the time, but I'm slowly realizing that being happy all the time isn't necessarily the goal.  

Feeling at peace with myself is the goal.

The past few days have been sprinkled with moments of peace.  I am grateful for that feeling.  

Day 207: Staying Awake

I'm grateful I took a nap today so I could stay awake to watch "The Monument's Men". Justin, apparently, needed more than a nap. He is enjoying the movie through the backs of his eyelids. 

Day 206: Quick Headache

I'm grateful that my headache went away are a quick nap. That hardly ever happens, so it's definitely worth the post.

Day 205: Car Troubles

Today, as I pulled up the driveway to a family's house, Justin's car (which I've been driving because it has AC) decided to start smoking. It smelled like something was burning and when I got out of the car an orange liquid was going down the driveway from under the car. 

I had to have it towed. 


I am grateful for Kate. She let me utilize her Triple AAA card so I didn't need to pay for the tow. 

I am grateful for Ashley. She drove me home and provided great conversation.

I am grateful for Sarah, Ashley, and Vanessa. They're the Team Leaders and they all helped me figure out who could cover me at work tomorrow.

I am grateful for Lauren, Sara, Holly, Maria, Leanne, Tanya, Deb, and Ashlee. They didn't let my call for help go unanswered.

I am grateful for Victoria. She is covering my evaluation tomorrow. She doesn't even work on Fridays. 

I am grateful for Jensine. She is getting everything I was supposed to bring to the evaluation.

I am grateful I have so many awesome people in my life.

Day 204: Ollie's Voice

I am grateful that Justin and I have given Ollivander a voice of his own. It sounds similar to the dog's voice in the video I've linked to below. I'm assuming Ollie likes the voice we've chosen; he hasn't told us any different. :)


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Day 203: Next Year

I am very grateful that a friend of mine wants to do a year of gratitude next year. It's wonderful that this blog has inspired him to do the same. I can't wait to read it! 

Day 202: Found!

I am grateful that Abigail Hernandez is back with her family. She's been missing since last October, and today a report was made that she has been reunited with her family. I'm already reading a lot of comments from random people complaining that if she ran away she should have to pay back all the money spent looking for her, do community service, etc. I am not even thinking that far. Her mother has her daughter back. That's something to be grateful for regardless of the situation. It may come out that she did in fact run away, but that doesn't mean her family didn't miss her.

Day 201: Sounds

I had something else in mind for tonight's post, but as I logged in a truck rattled down the street. The sound reminded me of my Dad pulling into our driveway at the end of the day. I always knew when he was home because his truck made the same noise every night. He'd pull up just far enough in front of the house, and then back into the driveway.

People often talk of smells bringing them back to favorite times, and I also believe that to be true. Hence the mulch post a while back. But there is definitely something to certain sounds having a similar power.

So tonight I am grateful for the sounds that bring me back to happy times.

Day 200: 200?

I cannot believe it has been 200 days of writing in this blog. To be completely honest, I didn't think I'd make it through the first month. The original reason for the blog was to be sure I could find at least one thing to be grateful for at the end of every day. Gratitude has a power to overwhelm all other emotions. 

At the start of this year I had many emotions I needed to keep in check. I was dealing with panic attacks for the first time in my life, anxiety that was ruling my life, and a depression that threatened to take-over my existence. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but please trust me, I'm not.

For some reason last year I just couldn't keep it all together. I still am not totally sure what happened, but in the beginning of December I just lost complete control. I was suicidal, and it wasn't safe for me to be at home. I was admitted to a local hospital and stayed there for almost a week. 

It's taken me this long to feel okay with what happened. To feel like I can admit it, and not hate myself for it. I actually feel strong when I think of the struggle I've faced and am working to overcome.

This past May I went on a retreat, if you've been reading this blog you know all about it. An amazing weekend full of God's spirit and love. That was the first time I said the words, "I was suicidal" to a large group of people. I hadn't planned to share my story, but a man who I respect very much told the group of us running the retreat that we all had things that needed to be said. He wanted us to feel the holy spirit and say what needed to be said. So I shared my story. 

Afterwards I felt a mix of emotions - anxiety, sadness, pride, strength, grief, fear, relief. I'm.anxious just writing this entry. I'm fearful that I will be judged and looked at differently, but maybe that's okay.

Mental illness has a stigma in this country. That's a fairly indisputable fact. With these words I am allowing myself to be judged. I am putting it all out there. But I'm also showing people a different side of mental illness. For the past 200 days prior have read these entries and gathered information. I clearly was dealing with anxiety, and struggling with other emotions. Some readers may have even guessed what I really dealt with, but now I am telling it like it is.

I am a loving wife, a good friend, a little sister, an aunt, a daughter. I work full time at a job that I love and feel a sense of fulfillment each day. I have a house and a dog. I am doing my best to be healthier. Someday I will be a Mom. I am all of these things before I am someone with anxiety and depression. 

I am grateful that I can share with the world, or the small number of people who take time to read these entries. I'm not writing this looking for pity or attention. I'm writing this because I hope there is at least one other person who will gain something. It could be a new perception of mental illness. It could be relief that they're not the only one who has felt this way. Anything.

I am grateful that I have experienced another 200 amazing days in this world. I am grateful that I have another 165 days to go. 

Day 199: Search Option

I am grateful that this blog has a search feature. I almost blogged about something I've already been grateful for this year! Thank goodness for the search. 

Day 198: Framimgham Fire Department

I am grateful for the Framingham Fire Department. They brought two trucks to our EI center for our first 'Fire Truck Wash'! The kids had so much fun washing the truck, getting to wear the fireman hats, and even getting a goody bag!!

Day 197: disdining.com

I am grateful for the website disdining.com. I liked it on Facebook and they're always posting fun quizzes and to ten lists. It's getting me super excited for November!! 

Day 196: Wii Fit +

I'm grateful that mother bought Justin and I a Wii a few years ago. I'm equally grateful that my parents-in-law bought us a Wii Fit/balance board a couple years back. Justin and I haven't had this much fun exercising ever!!! 

Day 195: Rain Boots

I'm grateful that I wore my rain boots today. It didn't start raining until my last visit, but it poured and my feet would have been very, very wet!

Day 194: Visit from Maine

I am so grateful that my brother, Matt, drove down from Maine with my niece and nephew. I don't get to see Matt, Chyanne, and Dakota very often so every chance to see them is special. I can't believe how grown up they both are, and how much fun my other niece and nephew, Jack and Tia, have wih Chy and Dakota.

Day 193: Mini-golf

I am grateful that Justin and I were able to find a mini-golf place nearby. I'm not grateful that I still stink at mini-golf. 

Day 192: 20 minutes

I'm posting early today because I have a feeling I won't be as grateful for this later on. I am grateful that I have already clocked 20 minutes of exercise and it's not even 7:30.

Day 191: CBS @ 7-8pm

I am grateful for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I can remember watching both of these shows with my neighbor, Mary. Now, Justin and I often watch together. We recently decided to make it part of our children's life, as long as Pat, Vanna, and Alex don't go anywhere. 

Day 190: Timothy Keller

This morning I listened to a sermon on my way to work. It was given by Timothy Keller, a pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NY. A co-worker recommended the podcast a few days ago. I am so grateful that I was able to start my day with the Good Word. He spoke of happiness and what it means to be Christian and be striving for happiness. His words were beautiful and relatable. I started my day with a clear mind, and a focus on happiness and faith. 

Day 189: "Use Yah Blinkah!!"

I am grateful for people who use their directionals, turn-signals, blinkers, or whatever you call those amazing lights that let other drivers know you are slowing down and taking a turn. For those you who use them...Thank You!! 

Day 188: Quinoa

I am grateful that quinoa doesn't taste as weird as it looks. My sensory issues with food almost got the best of me, but Justin's exceptional cooking made it okay. 

Day 187: C25K

Tonight I ran for the first time in probably 20 years.  Now my definition of "run" may differ from yours; I define it as moving faster than walking.  It was probably closer to the "toddler run" that I see the kiddos I work with do on a daily basis; but, hell, I ran.  

I've always had body image issues.  I don't doubt I share this with many other men and women all around the world. There was actually a recent article of Huffington Post about beauty being in the eye of the beholder.  I'll link to it at the end; it's interesting.  

Anyways, I can remember being as young as 8-years-old and being called "fat."  No one wanted me on their team because I couldn't run (yes, even then). I didn't just lounge around all day, and my mom was always telling me to "go outside and play." I did my fair share of bike riding, tag, swimming, etc; however, I was perfectly content to find a nice tree and curl up with a book.  My idea of playing outside was creating an imaginary world for my friends and I to live in and have adventures.  I grew up in a house that encouraged sports and being active - my brother John is living proof of that; but, I also grew up in a home that didn't push me to do what I didn't want to do.  I found theater at a young age and that became my "thing." I would dance for hours, but I hated the idea of playing soccer or basketball during gym.

I spent my entire childhood being teased for my weight.  I have vivid memories from elementary school, middle school, and high school.  Memories of being called "fat" or being told the shorts I was wearing "didn't really fit me right."  One girl told me she had the same shirt I did, but she actually fit into it.  In high school the comments weren't as direct, but it was the same theme.  You're too fat. I also battled off-and-on with the idea of just not eating.  It made sense to my 16-year-old brain: don't eat = loosing weight.  And even with all of the info being thrown into my face about how horrible eating disorders were; I was still loosing weight and being told I "looked good."  It's confusing.  I didn't feel good - in fact that was the year I was tested for mono, and probably missed more school days due to being sick.  I was moody and irritable. Again, I'm sure there are others that dealt with similar situations.  

Keeping with that trend, my weight has volleyed throughout the teen years and into adulthood.  I've lost weight, gained weight, and plateaued with the best of them.  I joined gyms, joined weight watchers, had a personal trainer; I quit the gym, stopped going to weight watchers, and can only remember my personal trainer's name because we're friends on Facebook. 

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and general self image lately.  I could go on and on about how it makes me feel to be overweight, and how desperate I am to be skinny; but ultimately, the issue is I'm not healthy. That's what the issue is, and that is what I need to focus on.  I need to focus on having a healthy adulthood - free of weight-related issues that are already beginning to creep into my life.  I want to be healthy, so my future children know what it means to have a healthy, happy lifestyle.  I want to be healthy so I can say "I feel good."

So, tonight I ran.  I ran for about 4 minutes off and on, using the Couch to 5K app. I walked for 25 minutes.  Justin and Ollie came with me.  I am grateful for so many things tonight.  I am grateful that I took this first step.  I'm grateful that I remembered how to run. I'm grateful that Justin came with me.  I'm grateful for everyone who posts things on Facebook about their progress using Couch to 5K.  I'm grateful that I didn't pass out while running. 

I am grateful that I am healthier tonight than I was when I woke up this morning.    




This is the article I mentioned earlier:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/26/photoshop-around-the-world_n_5534062.html

Day 186: Ollie Survived

I am grateful that Ollivander survived the fireworks.  He "enjoyed" them from the floor of the passenger seat of the car, but he found a new hiding spot and we are safely back home.  All is well in his world. 

Day 185 Independence Day

Today I am grateful, like so many other people, to be a citizen of The United States of America. There are many things that happen every day in our country that make me cringe. There are decisions made by the leaders of my country I disagree with. This does not make me any less proud to be from the USA. I come from a country with rights, freedom, and a whole lot of love. There are places all around the world that do allow people to have their own opinions. There are places that see horror much graver than I can even imagine. I am grateful to have been born and raised in this beautiful country. I am proud of my brother who served this country, and my other brother who protects it everyday. Today I am grateful to be an American.

http://youtu.be/xf8hfZuzw_A

Day 184: 3rdth of July

I am grateful to be spending my first 3rdth of July with my Mom, Justin, Ollie, and Nicholas. I can't think of better people/animals to be hanging out with and jamming to The Beach Boys with.

I am also grateful that I experienced the 4th of July in Boston a few years ago. Being in the city, on the Esplanade, singing to Rascal Flatts under the Hatch Shell was so much fun!!

Day 183: Good Conversation

I had an opportunity to have a conversation today with a new co-worker. She had noticed my fish sticker on the car and asked if I was Christian. We proceeded to have a conversation about our faith. Later I was driving to another visit and felt so relaxed and clear-headed, and I attributed to this great talk. I'm grateful for the great conversation I had today, and the wonderful feeling I was left with. 

Day 182: Boy Meets World

Tonight I was so excited to see the first episode of "Girl Meets World" on the Disney channel. Justin and I are big fans of the original. I wasn't impressed. I'm grateful I grew up with "Boys Meets World." It may not have been the greatest show ever, but it's a classic.