Day 90: Happy New Year!

Today I am grateful for the start of a New Year!  

Day 89: Waking Up from a Dream

I have always had very vivid dreams.  People have given me different theories throughout the years as to why my dreams often seem so real.  The movie Inception really messed with my mind, because I've also been known to have dreams and I know I'm in a dream, and I spend the entire dream trying to wake myself up.  It's somewhat exhausting.  

For the most part my dreams are good.  I try my hardest to remember them in the morning; but for the most part, I just wake Justin up in the middle night, ramble on about whatever my brain just created in my sleep, fall back to sleep, and try to recall the details with him the next day.  Last night I had one of those crazy dreams.

I don't remember all of the details, but it involved me getting another tattoo.  I went to some parlor, gave the guy my sketch, and told him to put it on my right shoulder.  Now, I already have the exact tattoo I asked the man to give me, and it's already on my right shoulder.  Apparently the dream version of myself had this tattoo on my left shoulder.  (Are you keeping up?)  So basically when I got home from the tattoo place I asked my Mom and Dad what they thought of it and they asked why I had gotten the exact same tattoo on my other shoulder.  I freaked out because I didn't realize it was the same tattoo.  And at some point in the dream my Dad reminded me that I owed the guy who gave me the tattoo $1816.00 for a tip.

Who knows what the dream meant.  It could have something to do with the fact that I was rereading Divergent before bed, or that I've been thinking about getting another tattoo and can't decide on a design??  All I know is I am grateful it was just a dream; and I'm grateful for that moment when you wake up from a crazy dream and are filled with relief that none of that actually happened.  

Day 88: Napping

I can't remember if I liked to nap when I was a little kid.  I remember never being able to take a nap in college, and that seemed to be the time everyone else LOVED naps.  I guess I always thought that napping was a waste of time.  The few times I did nap I would always wake up and feel like I had wasted a whole day.  I also could never fall asleep at a normal time if I had napped during the day.  

Lately, something has changed.  It could be that I'm trying to give up the notion that every minute needs to be spent doing something productive.  More likely, I'm just getting older.  I know I'm not that old; but apparently I can now nap during the day and still be asleep at a normal time.  The past few Saturdays I've taken a nap.  It's ranged from a half hour to almost 2 hours.  It hasn't been planned every week (today it was), but I'm really starting to love this new version of Saturday.  I am grateful for the naps I have had and the naps to come.

Day 87: Changing Directions

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

Lao Tzu

I was in group yesterday and my program director came into the room with a woman who was interviewing for a position. She introduced me and hesitated when she said, "This is Kelly, she's...She used to be a team leader."  She came over to me afterwards, laughed and said, "I almost introduced you as a team leader."  I smiled, laughed, and said, "almost."

I haven't been a team leader since January.  In some ways it feels like forever and in other ways, it feels like I just made the decision to step-down.  At the time I made the choice to leave my position it felt necessary, and I couldn't see myself ever going back to my job and keeping my supervisory position.  At the time I wasn't scared for the change; in fact, I was excited.  

The excitement lasted for a few weeks, and then I started getting nervous.  Had I made the right decision? Did I just mess everything up that I'd been working so hard to accomplish? Was I a failure? These were questions I was asking myself, and hearing others ask me (if not in those exact terms).  I was quick to say, "Yes. This was 100% the right decision."  It's easier to say things than believe them sometimes.

The past month I've been really struggling with this decision. I am clearly happier and less stressed; but at what cost?  I started doubting myself and feeling bad about my choice. The perfectionist in me was starting to show itself.  I even started thinking about trying for a higher position when we moved.  

This afternoon I had a final visit with a family I've been working with for the past year.  A set of twin boys who have grown so much and learned so much. This week I also met a new family that I will only be working with for a few weeks. I talked with Mom for an hour and half Wednesday night.  She was scared that her recent move would mess up her daughter's transition into preschool, and on top of that she had no idea about any of the local resources.  I let her know that I would be helping with the transition and I could bring lots of information about her new home town.  I also had an IEP meeting for a kiddo who turned 3-years-old.  His grandmother was there and it was nice to hear about all the new things he's been doing since my last visit.  I called 2 families to set up initial visits, and I will begin working with them next week.  On top of all of that I met with the usual kiddos I see each week.  I spent a lot of time working with children and their families in the past 5 days.  That is what makes my decision 100% worth it.

In stepping down from the team leader position I opened myself up to a larger case load.  I have so many more families and my clinical skills are put to the test almost every day. This is why I went to school for 6 years studying children's development and the dynamics of families.  This is why I can say, without hesitation, I am glad I made this change.  

I am grateful I was able to change direction. I'm happier on this new course, and that's what matters.      

Day 86: Heroes

Yesterday on Beacon Street in Boston, the firemen of our beautiful city fought a battle that ended with the loss of 2 very brave men.  I didn't know the firefighters personally, but like many others I have someone very close to me who puts his own life on the line.  My brother, Matthew, is a volunteer firefighter in Maine.  I've seen some amazing pictures of him in all of his gear standing nearby a burning structure.  It is a job I could never, ever do.  

Yesterday the news was constantly reporting about the bravery of the hundreds of firefighters who arrived on scene to extinguish the flames.  They reported that two men had lost their lives, and several others were injured.  Watching the news and listening to the TV made me sick to my stomach.  Any loss of human life is a tragedy, and this was heartbreaking news.  My Facebook feed lit up with pictures of the fire department, badges with a black line across them, and words of remembrance, pride, and love to the families.  

During the first part of my morning today I will admit that I didn't think for too long about the events of yesterday.  I was rushing to get ready, trying to get to my group before the kids arrived, and keeping track of 12 toddlers. At about 11:45 I was in the middle of circle time.  We had just finished up a book and I was reaching into the box to pull out the toy for the next song.  I quickly grabbed a bag of toys and started handing them out to each child.  The energy level of the group escalated as it always does when we sing The Fire Truck Song. These little kids love to sing about driving the fire truck, climbing the ladder, and spraying the water.  They each held their small truck and with big smiles they helped me sing one of their favorite songs. It made me smile, and I reflected quickly on how much love was being sent into the world through twelve little voices.  I hope the two men who died yesterday, and all of the firefighters, felt that love in some way.  My group of kids are never happier singing that song and holding those small fire trucks.  

Firefighters, and all first responders, are heroes in so many ways.  They run towards danger when everyone else is running away.  They are often the first to arrive and last to leave.  They bring so much joy and happiness to my little group of two and a half-year-olds.  I am and will forever be grateful for those brave men and women who are truly American heroes.    

Day 85: Not a Blizzard

I'm so grateful that when I walked out of my house this morning there was not a single snowflake on the ground. Excellent!

Day 84: Second Chance

Today I found out that I will be working with a younger sibling of a kiddo I worked with a few years ago.  The new little guy was evaluated today and his Mom asked if I would be available to come back and work with them again. It's uncommon for us to get the chance to re-visit a family, so I'm really excited! I am grateful for this second chance to work with such a great family! 

Day 83: HIMYM

I'm grateful to have "discovered" How I Met Your Mother. Such a great show and full of laughs which is exactly what I need after a long day!! 

Day 82: Movie Night

Normally it drives me crazy that Justin doesn't enjoy reading in the same way that I do; tonight was different.  We went to see Divergent and it was nice to have the opinion of someone who had not fallen in love with the book/series.  I did enjoy the movie, but obviously it left out parts of the book.  Justin reassured me that to someone who hadn't read the book, the movie made perfect sense.  And now we can have full out discussion about which faction we'd belong to! :)  I am grateful that while he doesn't share my obsession with books, Justin does appreciate a good movie.  

Day 81: Sunday

Today was a very, very long day. It was productive and fun, but LONG!! I'm grateful that time is Sunday, we have no plans, and I can catch up on some sleep. 

Day 80: Antibiotics

I am grateful that the antibiotic I started yesterday to treat my ear infection will also fight off the suns infection I feel coming on. Always look on the bright side, right?

Day 79: TBT

I've never done a #TBT (Throw Back Thursday) picture before; but this one was too good to pass up.  I am so grateful to have been raised alongside some pretty amazing cousins. 

Tiffany, Allison, Kerri, Me, Amanda, Marissa, Kaitlin

Day 78: Haircut

I am grateful for Lauren Kierce (and company) who always does an amazing job making my hair wonderful!  I never have a clear idea of what I want to do, but I always walk out with the perfect color and cut! 


http://www.kierceandcompany.com/

Day 77: Got Through The Day

I'm glad I made it through this Tuesday. Yesterday felt like one of the longest days ever, and by the end of it, it felt like Friday. I'm grateful for my friend Katharine. She started last night giving me encouragement and continued throughout today. 

Day 76: Bedtime

I've got a headache and it's only Monday. I'm grateful to be in bed at 8pm. 

Day 75: Feeling Ready

Tonight I am grateful that I feel prepared for the week to come.  Justin and I had a busy day in Western MA and I expected to come home and feel super stressed out.  I hate beginning the week that way, so I made a conscious effort to not let myself get stressed.  I went grocery shopping for a few items, not a whole big list. I made my lunch/got my snacks ready for tomorrow.  Justin got the dishes done and started the laundry.  Things are in place.  I feel ready for Monday. 

Day 74: A Smile

I'm going to bed with a smile tonight. I'm grateful that today was so much better than yesterday. 

Day 73: This Blog

My original intent for this blog was to force me to end my day on a positive note.  My thinking was, if I had to take even two minutes at the end of each day to think about something that I am grateful for, I would be able to feel more positive overall.  Tonight I'm having some trouble.

For some reason tonight is not a "good night."  I haven't had very many days or nights like this since last fall.  Days when I just didn't feel "right." Nights when I couldn't explain to Justin why I wasn't my usual self.  It's frustrating because I want to know why I'm feeling like this; I hate not always having control of my emotions.  That's the disease that is anxiety and the struggle of depression.

If I were to list out all of the things I did today, nothing terrible comes to mind.  Honestly, nothing even slightly terrible comes to my immediate memory.  It's not because I'm not thinking about these things; it's because nothing all that horrible happened today.  It doesn't matter.  There are times when the chemicals in my body take over and make me feel like crap.  I never feel like I'm adequately explaining why I'm acting so "blah."  That's really the only word I can think to describe it.  I don't feel sad or mad, and I actually don't even really feel all that anxious; but I don't feel at peace either. There is something off.    

Like I said before, this is the first time I've felt like this in months.  I know I should be grateful that it's been that long, but it doesn't make it any easier to feel this way in this moment.  

I came upstairs to write tonight because I honestly wasn't sure what I was going to be able to think of to be grateful for. Before I started writing I quickly scanned the titles of my past posts.  As I read through them, I smiled.  It doesn't seem like a lot, but when your whole body feels like it's working against you, one smile can be the beginning of a rebound.  I'm not saying that I've been miraculously cured.  I still feel crappy; but maybe slightly less crappy.  At the very least I feel crappy with a smile.   

I am grateful for this blog.  I am grateful that I have stuck with it for this long.  I am grateful for the people who read it, comment on it, and support me.  I am grateful that in the future when I have bad days, I will always have this to reflect on.  I will always have something that will force a smile.  And sometimes a smile is all it takes to start fighting back.      

Day 72: Almost Better

Tonight I am grateful that my nose has stopped running, my cough sounds better, and my voice is almost back to normal.  

Day 71: Chapstick

One of the worst parts of a cold, for me, is chapped lips. I'm grateful for chapstick (and Benadryl; because,  despite my lip situation, this beautiful pink tablet puts me right to sleep). 


Ps. I know my past few posts have been short and sweet, but I despise the common cold. It always beats me down. I'll have more intelligent, thoughtful posts when I can think in full sentences again. 

Day 70: Amazon

I am very grateful for Amazon.com. First, I signed up for a free-trial of Amazon Prime and was able to watch the first episode of The Following from Season 2. Then, as I attempted to blog my Kindle wouldn't charge. I checked on the Amazon Help site, followed the suggestions, and here I am typing away! I know, first world problems right? Oh well, I am grateful for Amazon. 

Day 69: Runny Nose

This explains why I slept all day yesterday. I've got the winter-spring cold. So tonight I am grateful for NyQuill. 

Day 68: Catching Up on Sleep

It's hard to be grateful for something when you've honestly slept just about all day.  Justin and I spent the night at my Mom's, with the intention of hanging out with her today. Apparently that was not the plan.  We both slept off and on just about all day.  By the time I really "woke up" it was almost 7pm.  Justin did the same thing.  Clearly the two of us have been going crazy lately and not sleeping like we should be.  

I am grateful for catching up on sleep, and that Mom wasn't upset that we slept away our day together.  She's such a Mom - "Clearly you both needed to get some rest."  Thanks for understanding Mom!

Day 67: Best Laid Plans

Justin and I had planned to go to a concert tonight. Nothing fancy, a coffee shop in North Andover, but apparently we still needed tickets. By the time I realized that this afternoon, the tickets were sold-out. 

Because the show was on the North Shore we had previously made arrangements to drop Ollivander off at my Mom's house. After the show we were planning to spend the night in Saugus. Even though we weren't going to the show, Justin and I still wanted to head to my Mom's.  

This ended up being a great decision because Justin hurt his back again earlier today. I don't think he would have been very comfortable at the coffee house. Also, not going ended up giving us more time with my Mom. 

I am grateful that our original plans fell through; sometimes doing what you weren't planning on ends up being the best thing you've done all day.

Day 66: There Are So Many Reasons

I have a best friend. Her name is Kristen. We have been friends since our freshman year in college, so that makes us almost time to celebrate our 11th "friendaversary".  Kristen and I are alike in a lot of ways, but we are also very different in many ways.  We have been through ups and downs together and I can honestly say I don't think I'd be where I am today if she was not in my life.

Kristen and I are having a girl's night tonight. We just got back from having dinner and now were just hanging out. She gladly gave up her Ipad so I could write this post. She understands, without me explaining, how important this blog is for me.  It's one of the reasons I am grateful for her friendship.

Kristen and I don't see each other every week, and sometimes it's a few weeks before we actually talk to one another. We both have busy schedules and neither of us hold grudges when it's been awhile between texts or phone calls. It's one of reasons I'm grateful for her friendship.

Kristen and my husband get along amazingly well. They have similar personalities, which probably explains a lot.  Kristen and Justin are friends. It's one of the reasons I'm grateful for her friendship.

Kristen has an amazing perspective on things. We don't always agree, but her opinion always makes sense. She never throws my thoughts away just because hers are different. We can talk about just anything and everything. It's one of the reasons I'm grateful for her friendship.

When I lost my Dad, Kristen was there for me. She gave me a hug, listened to me cry, and supported me. She still does as I continue to deal with this loss. It's one of the reasons I'm grateful for her friendship.

Kristen listened when I told her about my struggles this past December. She let me talk and when I was through she said she was sad that I was dealing with everything. She said I could always depend on her. She told me she loved me. It's one of the reasons I'm grateful for her friendship.

I could go on and on, but I think you get it. Many people go through life with a lot of good friends. I am grateful that I have an amazing best friend.

Day 65: Not the Brakes

I am grateful that it was not my car's brakes that needed to be repaired.  It was some other important part that cost 1/2 as much as the brakes would have. So very, very grateful!

Day 64: Gluten-Free May Not Be So Bad

This year for Lent Justin and I are giving up gluten.  We didn't make this choice just to be part of the crowd; I actually have a doctor's appointment next week to be tested for a gluten sensitivity.  We both want to begin leading a healthier life, and this is will be our first attempt.  I don't know too much about the gluten-free world, so any and all suggestions are welcomed!  My friend Courtney is a GF master, so I'm sure I'll be scheduling that trip to Whole Foods sooner than later.

Tonight I am grateful for the gluten-free spaghetti Justin cooked; it tasted just like the regular stuff! 

Day 63: A Flash of Headlights

On my way home from work I was driving down a curvy road that isn't well lit. A car was pulled over to the "side" of the road, and as I approached, a second car drove into my lane to go around the pulled over car. I will admit my frustration and the possible use of some not nice words as I hit my brakes to avoid a head-on collision. The car drive towards me then flashed their head lights. I thought to myself, "Seriously? This guy's mad at me?" Then I got frustrated with the initial car that was pulled over; how hard is it too actually pull off the road a bit more? 

All of these thoughts went through my head in less than 45 seconds, and they all flew out just as quickly. As I drove slowly past the pulled over car I noticed something in the road. I assumed it was a cardboard box, it looked big. I drive closer and to my amazement a full-grown deer was sitting in the road. The deer was alert, but clearly something was wrong as it continued to sit in the road as cars drive by. My stomach sank and I almost pulled over myself, but then it all clicked together. The pulled over car was parked opposite the deer, just a foot or two in front. Clearly that driver had positioned their car to be a warning to both sides of traffic. And the second driver, the "head-light flasher" was warning me of the deer. 

I became that driver. I flashed the next several drivers, going they would slow down. I'm grateful for that whole situation, because it made me slow down, literally, and rethink a frustrating situation. I'm still saddened at the thought of the beautiful deer in the road, but I'm grateful for the lesson I was reminded by: don't jump to negative conclusions, and always try to think of a positive spin to each situation.  I know the first driver may have had nothing to do with the deer, and the second driver could have just been being a jerk; but it certaily feels better going to sleep thinking positively than frustrated. 

Day 62: Just Be Held

I am so grateful for this song.  The words, music, and emotion are amazing.  Hope you all enjoy.

Day 61: A Quiet Mind

I'm grateful for my attempts at quieting my thoughts. It doesn't always work, but every time I try I get closer to peace. 

Day 60: Where I Belong

I am grateful for the overwhelming feeling that I am right where I am suppose to be. I am grateful that I am starting to let go and realize the plan is much larger than I can comprehend. I grateful to have the amazing feeling of a God who loves me and accepts me. It is a relationship I'm working hard at, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe I just need to let Him in and let His love fill me. Tonight I sat at a concert and was surrounded by people I've never met before, listening to music I've never heard, but somehow I felt connected. I laughed, cried, and sang. I am so grateful for this experience tonight. I will keep these feelings close to my heart, and let them help me conquer the battles I fight each day.