Day 73: This Blog

My original intent for this blog was to force me to end my day on a positive note.  My thinking was, if I had to take even two minutes at the end of each day to think about something that I am grateful for, I would be able to feel more positive overall.  Tonight I'm having some trouble.

For some reason tonight is not a "good night."  I haven't had very many days or nights like this since last fall.  Days when I just didn't feel "right." Nights when I couldn't explain to Justin why I wasn't my usual self.  It's frustrating because I want to know why I'm feeling like this; I hate not always having control of my emotions.  That's the disease that is anxiety and the struggle of depression.

If I were to list out all of the things I did today, nothing terrible comes to mind.  Honestly, nothing even slightly terrible comes to my immediate memory.  It's not because I'm not thinking about these things; it's because nothing all that horrible happened today.  It doesn't matter.  There are times when the chemicals in my body take over and make me feel like crap.  I never feel like I'm adequately explaining why I'm acting so "blah."  That's really the only word I can think to describe it.  I don't feel sad or mad, and I actually don't even really feel all that anxious; but I don't feel at peace either. There is something off.    

Like I said before, this is the first time I've felt like this in months.  I know I should be grateful that it's been that long, but it doesn't make it any easier to feel this way in this moment.  

I came upstairs to write tonight because I honestly wasn't sure what I was going to be able to think of to be grateful for. Before I started writing I quickly scanned the titles of my past posts.  As I read through them, I smiled.  It doesn't seem like a lot, but when your whole body feels like it's working against you, one smile can be the beginning of a rebound.  I'm not saying that I've been miraculously cured.  I still feel crappy; but maybe slightly less crappy.  At the very least I feel crappy with a smile.   

I am grateful for this blog.  I am grateful that I have stuck with it for this long.  I am grateful for the people who read it, comment on it, and support me.  I am grateful that in the future when I have bad days, I will always have this to reflect on.  I will always have something that will force a smile.  And sometimes a smile is all it takes to start fighting back.