Day 297: It's Okay

I have no idea why, but last night I had a major panic attack. I was staying over my friend Ashley's house because we had an all day conference today. The conference was in Worcester and Ashley lives closer, so it made good sense to spend the night wherever we could sleep longer.

I don't know what triggered it, but at 11:15pm I thought I was having a heart attack. I think I've tried explaining the feeling before, but it's awful. I couldn't breathe and my skin felt like it was on fire. I tried deep breathing, I took the extra medicine, and I told myself I was okay. Nothing helped. I had to drive myself home at 1:00am.

Here is where my gratitude comes into play. I had to let Ashley know that I was leaving so she wouldn't wake up in the morning and have no idea where I went. I'd like to think if I was woken up in the middle of the night that I would be half as reassuring as Ashley was last night. She told me it was okay. She asked if I was okay. I wasn't, but I would be.

Once I got home I fell asleep almost instantly. The medicine I had taken always makes me incredibly sleepy. It hits my whole body and even thinking about moving is exhausting. Needless to say I don't remember my alarm going off this morning. I woke up, realized I was going to be late, and started feeling clammy; another panic attack was ready to spring into full gear.

I called a few people who were at the conference and eventually I spoke with my director. She told me it was okay. She told me not to worry and not to rush. She asked if I was okay. Nope, not yet.

When I got to the conference people I worked with checked in. They all asked if I was okay.

In some ways, I'm really not okay. I'm frustrated and disappointed. But in a lot of other ways, I am okay.

I am grateful to everyone who asked if I was okay today. They probably knew the answer, but they asked anyways. I'm grateful that everyone who asked actually waited for and listened to my answer. For me, talking out the aftermath off a panic attack helps me deal with it. It puts me back in control a little bit.

Thank you Ashley and Julie. Thank you for reminding me that even if I wasn't in the moment, I would eventually be okay.