Day 200: 200?

I cannot believe it has been 200 days of writing in this blog. To be completely honest, I didn't think I'd make it through the first month. The original reason for the blog was to be sure I could find at least one thing to be grateful for at the end of every day. Gratitude has a power to overwhelm all other emotions. 

At the start of this year I had many emotions I needed to keep in check. I was dealing with panic attacks for the first time in my life, anxiety that was ruling my life, and a depression that threatened to take-over my existence. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but please trust me, I'm not.

For some reason last year I just couldn't keep it all together. I still am not totally sure what happened, but in the beginning of December I just lost complete control. I was suicidal, and it wasn't safe for me to be at home. I was admitted to a local hospital and stayed there for almost a week. 

It's taken me this long to feel okay with what happened. To feel like I can admit it, and not hate myself for it. I actually feel strong when I think of the struggle I've faced and am working to overcome.

This past May I went on a retreat, if you've been reading this blog you know all about it. An amazing weekend full of God's spirit and love. That was the first time I said the words, "I was suicidal" to a large group of people. I hadn't planned to share my story, but a man who I respect very much told the group of us running the retreat that we all had things that needed to be said. He wanted us to feel the holy spirit and say what needed to be said. So I shared my story. 

Afterwards I felt a mix of emotions - anxiety, sadness, pride, strength, grief, fear, relief. I'm.anxious just writing this entry. I'm fearful that I will be judged and looked at differently, but maybe that's okay.

Mental illness has a stigma in this country. That's a fairly indisputable fact. With these words I am allowing myself to be judged. I am putting it all out there. But I'm also showing people a different side of mental illness. For the past 200 days prior have read these entries and gathered information. I clearly was dealing with anxiety, and struggling with other emotions. Some readers may have even guessed what I really dealt with, but now I am telling it like it is.

I am a loving wife, a good friend, a little sister, an aunt, a daughter. I work full time at a job that I love and feel a sense of fulfillment each day. I have a house and a dog. I am doing my best to be healthier. Someday I will be a Mom. I am all of these things before I am someone with anxiety and depression. 

I am grateful that I can share with the world, or the small number of people who take time to read these entries. I'm not writing this looking for pity or attention. I'm writing this because I hope there is at least one other person who will gain something. It could be a new perception of mental illness. It could be relief that they're not the only one who has felt this way. Anything.

I am grateful that I have experienced another 200 amazing days in this world. I am grateful that I have another 165 days to go.