Tonight I ran for the first time in probably 20 years. Now my definition of "run" may differ from yours; I define it as moving faster than walking. It was probably closer to the "toddler run" that I see the kiddos I work with do on a daily basis; but, hell, I ran.
I've always had body image issues. I don't doubt I share this with many other men and women all around the world. There was actually a recent article of Huffington Post about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. I'll link to it at the end; it's interesting.
Anyways, I can remember being as young as 8-years-old and being called "fat." No one wanted me on their team because I couldn't run (yes, even then). I didn't just lounge around all day, and my mom was always telling me to "go outside and play." I did my fair share of bike riding, tag, swimming, etc; however, I was perfectly content to find a nice tree and curl up with a book. My idea of playing outside was creating an imaginary world for my friends and I to live in and have adventures. I grew up in a house that encouraged sports and being active - my brother John is living proof of that; but, I also grew up in a home that didn't push me to do what I didn't want to do. I found theater at a young age and that became my "thing." I would dance for hours, but I hated the idea of playing soccer or basketball during gym.
I spent my entire childhood being teased for my weight. I have vivid memories from elementary school, middle school, and high school. Memories of being called "fat" or being told the shorts I was wearing "didn't really fit me right." One girl told me she had the same shirt I did, but she actually fit into it. In high school the comments weren't as direct, but it was the same theme. You're too fat. I also battled off-and-on with the idea of just not eating. It made sense to my 16-year-old brain: don't eat = loosing weight. And even with all of the info being thrown into my face about how horrible eating disorders were; I was still loosing weight and being told I "looked good." It's confusing. I didn't feel good - in fact that was the year I was tested for mono, and probably missed more school days due to being sick. I was moody and irritable. Again, I'm sure there are others that dealt with similar situations.
Keeping with that trend, my weight has volleyed throughout the teen years and into adulthood. I've lost weight, gained weight, and plateaued with the best of them. I joined gyms, joined weight watchers, had a personal trainer; I quit the gym, stopped going to weight watchers, and can only remember my personal trainer's name because we're friends on Facebook.
I've been thinking a lot about my weight and general self image lately. I could go on and on about how it makes me feel to be overweight, and how desperate I am to be skinny; but ultimately, the issue is I'm not healthy. That's what the issue is, and that is what I need to focus on. I need to focus on having a healthy adulthood - free of weight-related issues that are already beginning to creep into my life. I want to be healthy, so my future children know what it means to have a healthy, happy lifestyle. I want to be healthy so I can say "I feel good."
So, tonight I ran. I ran for about 4 minutes off and on, using the Couch to 5K app. I walked for 25 minutes. Justin and Ollie came with me. I am grateful for so many things tonight. I am grateful that I took this first step. I'm grateful that I remembered how to run. I'm grateful that Justin came with me. I'm grateful for everyone who posts things on Facebook about their progress using Couch to 5K. I'm grateful that I didn't pass out while running.
I am grateful that I am healthier tonight than I was when I woke up this morning.
This is the article I mentioned earlier:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/26/photoshop-around-the-world_n_5534062.html
Proud of you.
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