Day 164: Strength

Tonight was rough.  My eyes are still red from the tears and my nose is still stuffed from crying.  Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt this sad, mad, empty, numb, hopeless, lost, scared, and a whole other bag of emotions all in one night.

It wasn't a panic attack that hit me. It was the overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Sometimes that happens and I don't always know why. It used to happen a lot, so I guess I could be grateful that this feeling doesn't show itself as often as before.  But that's not what I'm grateful for tonight.

When I started feeling sad I went upstairs and left Justin on the couch, watching TV.  I'd planned to just get into bed and hopefully fall asleep.  I checked my phone before climbing in and saw that my mom had called.  I decided to call her back. I guess I could be grateful that I made the decision to call her. She made me feel better, and reminded me that I am loved. But that's not what I'm grateful for tonight.

After I hung up with my mom, I called downstairs to Justin.  I needed him to come upstairs and just sit with me.  I still wasn't okay.  He gave me a hug and we talked about some of the things that have been bothering me lately.  I guess I could be grateful for his hug, but that's not it either.

In talking with my mom and with Justin I realized something about myself.  I am strong.  I don't always believe it, actually I hardly ever believe it, but tonight I was strong.  I felt horrible, but I reached out to the two people who probably love me most. I talked about the stress of work, the frustration of not being able to sell our house, the disappointment in not having a child, and the sadness that this Sunday will be my 4th Father's Day without my Dad.  I talked about how scared I am that I could wake up tomorrow and be in the same horrible place I was last December. I tried to explain how frightening it is to not feel in control. 

I also listened.

I listened to my mom tell me how much she loves me.  I heard her say that things will get better.  She told me she's proud of me. I listened to my husband tell me he loves me. He told me that his life's goal is to make me happy, and three years from now he sees himself with me.  I heard his faith in us in those words.

I am strong because I made a phone call when I felt sad. I am strong because I listened when people told me they loved me. I am strong because of everything I have been through. 

I am grateful for my strength tonight.