Day 116: I Fought Through

Tonight I had a panic attack.  It certainly wasn't the worst one I've had, but I had it all the same.  Tonight I was able to calm myself down and continue on with the night.  I am grateful that I fought through it.

Justin and I had planned to go to a "Going-Away" party for our friend Becky.  She is starting this really amazing traveling physical therapist position, and will most likely be moving to North Carolina for the next 3-6 months, and then possibly Colorado.  Anyways, we were all getting together at her friend's house (I had never been there and have only met this friend once), and at about 6:15 Justin woke me up and told me it was time to go.

I started getting ready and my stomach started feeling horrible.  I thought I might be getting the flu, but then I started thinking about the party.  I couldn't figure out if my symptoms were flu-related, or my anxiety creeping up.  I ended up having a panic attack in the parking lot of our old church. Justin was amazing.  He sat quietly and let me do what I needed to do and talk through what I needed to talk through.  He let me know that we could just go home if that's what I needed. He was amazing tonight.

But I didn't want to go home.  I knew that I wanted to go to this party. I wanted to see my friends, especially Becky, and I knew I would have a good time.  I had to convince myself that I shouldn't be scared; because that's how I was feeling.  I was scared to go to a new place and be with people I didn't know. I was scared they would judge me and not like me and that I would end up feeling horrible.  That's the power of social anxiety.  I had to talk through all of these feelings and tell myself over and over that none of it was true.  I made Justin promise not to leave me alone, just in case, and we started towards Springfield. 

I had a great time tonight.  By the time we reached the house my breathing was calmer, my stomach felt much better, and I was excited to see my friends.  Honestly, it really sucked feeling that way before a party; but I made it through and came out on the other side.  Social anxiety is a huge part of my general anxiety and depression.  It continues to control a lot of my thoughts and actions.  I'm working very, very hard to "re-train" my brain to think it more positive ways, but it's hard work. 

I am grateful that I fought through the anxiety tonight.  I know if I had gone back and not made it to the party I would have felt worse.  I would have felt like the anxiety won, and I'm so tired of feeling like that.  I know there may be days ahead that I will succumb to those fears, but the more fights I win the strong I will become; and I am grateful for my strength.